Children and learning about sexuality

Introduction

Children learn about sexuality from birth.

As your child grows, they need to learn about bodies, babies, puberty, gender, relationships, feelings, making decisions and family values, just as they learn about other things.

They need to feel good about their body and about being themselves.

Sometimes your child’s sexual behaviours might surprise, embarrass or worry you. However these behaviours are usually nothing to worry about and are not ‘sexual’ in the way that adults understand them.

It can help to know what is usual for your child’s age, and how you can talk with your child.

This page has information that can help you to understand your child’s sexuality development and provides tips for talking with them – in the preschool years and school years. 

Influences on your child’s learning

Your child will build their understanding of sexual matters, relationships and values a little at a time as they grow and mature.  They can learn from many sources, including:

  • parents
  • other adults
  • friends
  • advertising
  • school
  • other families
  • books, TV, movies and the internet
  • their culture
  • their community.

These can give your child mixed messages about sexuality, which can be confusing.

What you think and feel about sexuality has a big influence on how you deal with your child’s sexual development. What your own parents said and did, your religion, cultural background and feelings all affect how you approach it.

You can help your child feel good, healthy and normal by what you say and do.

Copyright

This information in this section was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Why talk with your child about sexuality

It’s important to talk with your child and give them accurate, balanced and clear information about sexuality and relationships - without fear, shame or guilt, and in ways that suit their age and development.

Talking positively and openly with your child about sexuality can help them to:

  • trust they can talk with you about anything, including sexual matters
  • strengthen their relationship with you
  • keep safe from sexual abuse - it can help them to know what’s OK and not OK and that they can talk to you
  • understand and cope with physical and emotional changes - eg: with puberty
  • feel good about themselves and their bodies
  • make healthier and safer choices when it comes to sexual behaviours and relationships
  • challenge stereotypes about boys and girls - and cope if they don’t fit usual boy/girl ‘types’
  • understand appropriate and inappropriate behaviour.

Preschool years

The following information can help you understand your child’s sexuality development in the years before school.

Babies learn about the world through touch. Just as they play with their fingers and toes, babies can play with their genitals when their nappy is off. This is part of their natural curiosity.

Preschool children may enjoy being naked.

Young children are curious and interested in looking at their own and other people’s naked bodies - especially genitals because they are usually covered. They will notice that boys’ and girls’ bodies are different and may ask ‘Why’ or ‘What’s that?’

They are often interested in parents’ or familiar adults’ bodies. They might ask about them or want to touch them, - eg: in the shower or bath.

By three years of age, children can say whether they are a boy or a girl. By six or seven they understand that this does not usually change. A small number of children will identify as the opposite gender to their biological sex.

Four year olds are very interested in what people do in bathrooms and toilets - they might joke about toilets and use swear words or ‘toilet words’ if they know any.

It’s common for young children to touch their genitals. They may do it because:

  • it feels good
  • it comforts them when they are worried
  • they are finding out about their body
  • they need to go to the toilet.

Tips for talking with your preschooler

It can be hard to know what to say or how to go about talking with your preschooler about sexual matters. The following tips may be useful.

Have lots of small conversations 

Start talking in age-appropriate ways when your child is young. Conversations should suit your child’s age and development.

Let the situation and your child’s questions and level of interest guide what you share. Try to be relaxed and easy so that it becomes just like any other topic you help them learn about.

Give small amounts of information

Don’t bombard your child with information. They will only take in what they can absorb. An honest, simple explanation is often all that young children need. Don’t wait to have the ‘one big talk’.

Find out what your child already knows

Ask your child what they know about a topic before you give information. 

For example, if they ask where babies come from you could ask ‘Where do you think they come from?’ or ‘That’s an interesting question – what made you think of it?’ This can help you give information in a way that suits their understanding.

Be willing to talk about topics more than once

Children often want to hear the same thing a number of times until they fully understand.

Be a ‘tell-able’ parent

Be approachable and unshakable – let your child know that this is a topic you are happy to talk about.

Start talking about bodies when your child is young

Use the correct names for body parts - eg: penis, testicles, vagina, vulva, breasts - just as you would for arms and legs. This makes it normal to talk about these things, without shame or embarrassment. 

Research shows that knowing the right names improves children’s body image and confidence.

Answer questions about where babies come from

You should answer questions in a way that is suited to your child’s stage of development. 

For example, you could say to your preschool child that ‘Babies start as a tiny egg and grow in a special place called the uterus, inside their mother’. This is usually all they want to know for a while.

Four and five year olds can understand that you need a sperm (like a seed) from a man, and an ovum (like a tiny egg) from a woman to make a baby.

You could tell older children that the sperm comes from Dad’s penis and the egg from Mum’s ovaries. 

When Mum and Dad kiss and cuddle and their bodies get very close, Dad puts his penis inside Mum’s vagina. Not all sperm find an egg to make into a baby, only special ones like the one that made you.

Be honest with your child

If your child was born using donated tissue, or is adopted, it is important to tell them. Your child’s story should be talked about in a normal and natural way. There are lots of ways families can be formed. All children have a right to know their history.

Use books to help you talk with your child

Sometimes books written for children can be useful in giving you words and pictures that suit your child’s age – read and talk about them with your child. Contact your local library for advice.


Primary school years

The following information can help you understand your child’s sexuality development during their primary school years. 

Early primary school

By early primary school, children may:

  • be more curious about adult sexuality and ask about gender differences, babies, pregnancy and birth
  • enjoy using swear words, ‘toilet’ words or names for private body parts when telling stories or asking questions
  • have heard about sexual intercourse and like to talk about it, often using words they have heard from their friends
  • move from having friends of both sexes, towards same‐sex friendships.

Mid-primary school

By mid‐primary school, children have a greater sense of privacy. They may be embarrassed about nudity and modest in front of parents or others. 

They may begin talking about sex, tease and joke with peers and play games about kissing or pretend marriage.

Games

Primary school aged children may also play games involving parts of the body or looking under toilet doors. This kind of play comes from increased curiosity about bodies. Children usually enjoy these games like any other game. 

If they are found playing them they can be embarrassed, especially if they see parents do not approve or are embarrassed or shocked. If asked to stop and play something else they usually do.

If you are not sure how to react, stay calm, take a deep breath and think about the message you want to give. What you say will depend on your child’s age and maturity. 

You could:

  • ignore it, if the children are quite young
  • for four and five year olds, say ‘It’s OK to be curious, but people’s bodies are private. It’s not OK to touch other people’s bodies, or for other people to touch yours’
  • tell them ‘It looks like you are interested in finding out about bodies. I will find a picture book for you that explains it’.

This type of play is usually nothing to worry about if:

  • it’s between friends of the same age, size and power
  • no one is being pushed to do something they don’t want to do
  • they are not doing something that children of that age don’t usually know about
  • it does not take over all their play time, and they are easily encouraged to do something else.

Tips for talking with your primary school child

The following tips can help you talk about sexuality with your primary school aged child.

Make sure your child has information before change happens

Tell your child about physical and emotional changes before they happen. 

Puberty can start as early as eight, often by aged ten or eleven. It’s important that children have information about any changes before they happen - eg: periods, erections, wet dreams. You could tell funny stories from your own puberty if you have any.

Let your child know there is a wide range of ‘normal’

Children develop at different rates and can feel self-conscious if they seem different from their peers. Help them to feel confident and happy about being themselves.

Talk about friendships and getting along with peers

At age 9 or 10 some children may start to become attracted to others. Fitting in with peers will be a main concern.

Talk about sex and feelings in an inclusive way

Some children and young people are attracted to others of the same sex, or both sexes. This can make them feel different, confused and alone. Talking about sex and feelings in an inclusive way will help your child know they can talk with you, however they are feeling.

Encourage your child to view media critically

Teach your child to question what they see and hear in the media.

For example, are the versions of beauty or love they see on TV real? How do the boys, girls, men and women look and act? Is it real? What message does it give?

Talk with your child about relationships and feelings

Focus on respect and care. Talk about making good decisions that keep them and others safe. 

Teach your child about their body and safety

Make sure all children know they can say ‘No’ or ‘Stop’ to any touching they do not like or want, and that unwanted touching should never be kept a secret. Help them understand that their whole body is private. 

Read Step 3 of the 7 Steps to Safety on the Department of Children and Families website.

Go to protect your child from sexual abuse.

Talk with your child about online and mobile safety

Be aware that sexual matters may come up online for your children on mobile phones or computers. They may come across things that can harm, scare or worry them. There may be bullying, ‘sexting’ (sending sexual material or images by mobile phone) or pornography.

The best way to protect your child is to make sure they know they can come and tell you what’s happening. You can solve problems together and work out ways to keep them safe.

Listen to your child and try not to lecture

Good communication needs two‐way talk. Use open conversations about feelings and relationships to help them work out their values.

Talk about things even if your child does not ask questions

If your child doesn’t ask you questions, it does not mean they are not interested. They might think you don’t want to talk about it. In this case, you will need to be the one that brings it up.

Work out ways to talk with sons and daughters

Boys and girls benefit when both men and women are involved in this part of their learning. It’s important that both fathers and mothers are seen as reliable sources of information and that children, especially boys, get the message it’s OK for men to talk about these things.

If you or your child are not comfortable about talking about an area of their sexuality - eg: your daughter does not want to discuss periods with their father, you could:

  • talk about aspects you feel comfortable with, and find books for the other parts
  • or identify a trusted person of the same gender as your son or daughter who they could talk with.

Let your child know if you feel uncomfortable, or don’t know much about the topic. Say something like ‘I’m not sure what to say, but I think it’s really important we can talk about it. When I was a boy/girl, the only thing I knew about it was…’

Find out if your child’s school is teaching about sexual health

This can be a good way to start conversations at home.

Your local school or health centre also might run sessions for parents on children’s sexual health.


Children with a disability

If your child has a disability they also need to learn about sexuality and relationships. They need accurate information that suits their age and development.

This can help to build their confidence and a positive attitude to their sexuality, and make them less vulnerable to sexual exploitation and abuse.

As with other children, it’s best to:

  • talk about sexual issues simply and easily in everyday situations
  • help them learn about the changes of puberty before they happen - and give them the correct words to use
  • repeat concepts a number of times or reinforce them in different ways
  • help them learn about privacy, safety and basic sexual matters
  • seek help from professionals if you need it - your doctor or school counsellor may be a good place to start.

Caring touch

It’s important that your child gets caring touch such as hugs and cuddles from both parents, where possible. This will help them to feel loved and lovable and to learn how to show love and affection.

If they experience caring touch, they are more likely to know if they are touched in a way that is not appropriate.

Some fathers and stepfathers worry about cuddling or holding their child because they fear being accused of sexual abuse. There is a difference between caring and sexual touch - it’s the adult’s responsibility not to cross the line.


When to be concerned about a child’s sexual behaviour

Most children’s behaviours related to sexuality are a natural part of how they learn and are nothing to worry about.

However there are some things children do which might be cause for concern, such as:

  • knowing more about sex than you would expect for a child’s age
  • forcing others to play sex games, or playing them with much younger children
  • playing and talking about sex much more than other children
  • after kindergarten age, masturbating in public, or so much that it affects their play
  • always drawing the sexual parts of bodies, or being afraid or upset when people talk about their bodies or sex
  • being very anxious about being with a particular person when there seems to be no reason.

A child might also:

  • have unexplained redness, soreness or injury of the genital areas or mouth
  • show signs of stress, such as a return to bedwetting, soiling their pants or hurting themselves.

If you are concerned, talk it over with your doctor or a counsellor.

If you believe that a child has been or is likely to be a victim of sexual abuse, you must report your belief to the Child Abuse Hotline on 1800 700 250.


More information

You can get more information and support to help your child learn about their sexuality on the following pages: