Understanding your toddler

Introduction

Between one and three years of age children move from being babies who need you to do everything for them, to becoming separate, independent people. 

They want your love and to feel safe and close to you, but they also want the freedom to do things for themselves.

Parents can find this time challenging.

It can help to know what’s happening for your toddler so you can support their independence and help them learn while keeping them safe.

What you can expect

Your toddler will be active and curious. They have to touch, open and shut, explore, run, climb and throw. 

They are learning who they are - what they like and don’t like - and trying out their will.

They are also learning how to be in charge of themselves and live with others.

This means learning how to walk, talk, feed and dress themselves, use the toilet, show love, share and take turns, and to not hurt others. 

What toddlers can't do

Your toddler will not be able to:

  • understand your reasons - they can’t see things from your point of view
  • sit still, wait, share or control their feelings - these things take time and support to learn
  • have the words to say how they feel
  • always stop themselves from doing what they have been told not to do.

Your toddler doesn't mean to disobey you. They are on the way to learning self-control but haven’t quite got there yet.

They still need you to gently remind them and keep them safe.

Your toddler is learning lots of new skills as they become more independent.

Try to be patient. Adults often expect too much of toddlers.

How toddlers behave

Your toddler is likely to:

  • say ‘No’ and show they have a mind of their own
  • get cross and frustrated, and have a tantrum at times
  • not be ready to share because they are just learning about ‘me' and 'mine’ - for a toddler, everything is ‘mine’
  • want to make some choices for themselves
  • find it hard to cope with changes
  • want to be like their parents - eg: try on lipsticks and use parents’ phones and keys
  • show any stress they feel through how they behave such as being ‘naughty’ or quieter than usual, or having aches and pains.

What toddlers need

Your toddler needs:

  • understanding, love, patience and encouragement
  • time to explore
  • to be allowed to make simple choices
  • to test out their independence and come to you for comfort
  • your support when struggling with feelings and behaviour
  • to be kept safe - they don’t understand danger yet
  • you to pick up on cues in their behaviour that can show how they are feeling - eg: upset, frustrated, angry or sad.

Things that can stress your toddler

Toddlers like routine - it helps them feel safe and secure. Things that can stress them are:

  • the arrival of a new baby
  • being sick
  • moving house, or into a new bed
  • being separated from parents - eg: starting childcare, when a parent goes into hospital or the family breaks up
  • parents being angry, fighting, crying, or when there is violence.

Copyright

The information in this section was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Supporting your toddler

Try to think ahead and do things to smooth the way for your toddler.

This can avoid frustration and battles and help them to cope with their strong feelings.

The following ideas can help.

Praise and encourage them

Your toddler wants to please you and needs your help to learn.

Don’t punish them or force them to ‘behave’ or ‘be good’

This doesn't help them to learn and to practice the behaviours you want.

Punishment doesn’t work and your toddler is too young to understand what they did wrong - it can teach them to be scared of you rather than to do what you expect.

Help them find ways to manage their frustration as they learn new things

Don’t get into battles over things that take time and lots of practice to learn.

Be patient and support your toddler when they are learning skills such as toilet training, eating and developing good sleep habits - they are tricky to learn.

Make allowances for them if they are stressed by changes such as moving house, a new baby or starting child care.

If your toddler shows signs of being stressed by change you might need to spend more time with them and let them be more of a baby for a while.

Difficult behaviours will go as they become more used to the change.

Ignore things that don’t matter too much, but insist on important things

For example, it’s important to insist your toddler wears a seatbelt, but you might be able to ignore a bit of mess.

Don’t give a choice if there isn’t one

If you have to pick up an older child from school don’t ask your toddler if they want to come. Say: ‘We’re going to school in the car now’.

If there is something they don’t want to do, try to make a game of it.

You could say, ‘See if you can hop like a kangaroo to the bath’, or make having a bath more attractive - try bubbles, toys or a few drops of food colouring in the water.

Make up fun games where they can practice saying ‘no’.

For example, ‘Does daddy sleep in the bath?’ or ‘Does the cat say moo?’

Distract them instead of giving orders

Toddlers respond well to distraction, such as: ‘Let’s get out the building blocks’ rather than ‘Stop doing that’. Model what you want them to do.

Give simple choices

This helps your toddler to feel they have some control - eg: ‘Do you want to wear your blue shirt or red shirt today?’

Help your toddler to learn things in small, simple steps and let them have lots of practice.

However, don’t expect them to remember every time.

Be positive and offer alternatives rather than saying ‘don’t’ all the time.

Instead of ‘Don’t slam the door’ you could say ‘I know you can shut the door quietly, let’s see you do it’. Then give praise for using a new skill.

Tell them what you want in simple words

Instead of saying ‘I'm not going to listen if you whine - it’s very annoying’ you could say ‘Please tell me what you want without whining’, or ‘Please tell me what you want in a normal voice’.

Don’t ask your toddler why they did something - they don't yet understand reasons.

Use ‘time in’ to manage behaviour

Take your toddler away from the trouble and stay with them for a while. They need your help to calm down.

Once they’re calm you can help them understand what is expected.

Read more about time in: guiding your child's behaviour.

Don’t use ‘time out’

Toddlers are too young to reflect on their own behaviour or to work things out for themselves.

If you remove your toddler from a situation and leave them on their own, it probably won’t achieve what you want.

It can also add to your toddler’s fear of separation.

Don’t threaten to leave young children alone

This can be very frightening for them. If you are out shopping and your child gets upset and refuses to come with you, pick them up and carry them.

Be firm but kind as you let your child know you’re in charge.


Communicating with your toddler

The way you talk with your child has a big impact on your relationship. The way you listen is as important as what you say.

These tips can help you to communicate well with your toddler:

  • be aware of your tone of voice - young children are easily frightened
  • give your child time to talk without interrupting - get down to their level and look at them, it shows you’re really interested
  • share activities each day - even putting away toys together is a good way to talk and be together
  • take time to find out what things are special in your child’s life today - simple things like watching your child do something can make them feel special.

Feelings, tantrums and fears

There are things you can do to help your toddler learn about feelings, manage tantrums and cope with fears. 

Feelings

You can help your toddler learn about their feelings by:

  • being a good role model - managing your own emotions helps children learn to manage theirs
  • naming feelings so your toddler learns that they are something you can talk about and learn to manage - for example, ‘I think you’re feeling sad because Daddy had to go to work’ or ‘I can see you’re feeling very cross’
  • separating feelings from behaviour - for example, ‘I know you feel cross but it’s not OK to hit, when you feel cross you can tell me’
  • reading stories that show children having different kinds of feelings like angry, happy, sad and afraid
  • helping children understand the difference between their own feelings and other people’s - it takes many years to learn but you can start when your child is very young.

Tantrums

Most toddlers have tantrums. It’s a normal part of growing up and becoming independent.

A tantrum is a sign your child is overwhelmed by feelings and needs your help to calm down. You can:

  • let them know you understand how they feel as they let out all those big feelings
  • once they are calm, remind them you love them
  • help them learn from what happened
  • be patient - it takes time for your toddler to learn about feelings and to control their behaviour.

Read more about children and tantrums

Fears

The world can seem very scary for toddlers because there are lots of things they don’t know yet. They don’t understand that:

  • you will come back soon - they don’t understand time
  • they can’t fall down the plug hole in the bath or get flushed down the toilet - they don’t understand size and space
  • they can’t lose parts of their body if they are hurt - they don’t understand their bodies are all part of them
  • the monsters in their dreams won’t get them - they don’t understand what is real and what is not.

Things to try

Below are some things you can try for different fears your toddler might have:

Fear of cuts and bruises

Put a band-aid on sores and hurts even if there is no need for it.

Try a kiss on the injury first - sometimes that’s all that’s needed.

Scared of going down the plug hole

Let your child use a baby bath for a while, or at least don’t pull out the plug while they are still in the bath.

Let them use a potty instead of the toilet or let them flush the toilet with your help.

Scared by nightmares

If they have a nightmare tell them: ‘It is only a dream, it goes away, and you’re safe’.

Cuddle and comfort your child until they settle. Read more about sleep and your child.

Afraid of monsters

Tell them there are no monsters. Don’t look for monsters in the room - your toddler might think you believe they are actually there.

Fear of separation

Stay with your child until they feel more secure. Make sure they have their comfort toy with them.

Scared of the dark

Stay with your child for a while to reassure them. Perhaps use a night light.

Keep to bedtime routines - eg: the same number of kisses goodnight or the same story.

Let your child know you understand their fears and you don’t think they are silly or babyish.

Don’t force them to face their fears. It can often make things worse.

Children usually grow out of fears with lots of support and understanding.

If fears are really interfering with their life, talk it over with a professional who works with children.


Eating and toilet training

Toddlers are learning about food and often want to control what they eat.

It’s up to parents to provide healthy food and drinks, and for toddlers to choose what and how much they want.

Some toddlers can be fussy eaters. Try presenting new foods with others they are familiar with.

But don’t force them. They will come to try new things in time. Read more about feeding your toddler

Toilet training

Toilet training needs to be as relaxed as possible. You can help this by:

  • making sure your toddler is ready - don’t rush it
  • not pressuring your child - they can easily get upset and have toilet accidents, or ‘hang on’ when they really need to go
  • giving lots of encouragement for each small step they master - eg: ‘Well done for pulling your pants down all by yourself’
  • reassuring your toddler if they have an accident - eg: ‘It’s OK, sometimes accidents happen’
  • waiting a month or so before trying again if there are any problems.

Read more about toilet training your toddler.


Keeping your toddler safe

Toddlers are often injured in accidents that are preventable such as falls, traffic accidents, drowning, burns, poisoning or pet attacks.

Teaching your toddler about danger is important but it is not enough to keep them safe.

They are too young to really understand, even if they can tell you something is dangerous.

The best way to keep your toddler safe is to always supervise them. Make sure your home and yard are safe too. 

Find out more about how to keep your child safe by reading the 7 Steps to Safety on the Department of Children and Families website.


More information

Find out more, including where you can get support to help understand and respond to your toddler, on the following pages: