Parents, families and youth

Bedwetting

About one in 10 children wet the bed up to the age of 10. Most children grow out of it.

Your child has no control over bedwetting. It’s important to not blame or punish them for something they can’t control.

Why bedwetting happens

Sometimes children wet the bed because they haven’t matured to the point where the bladder tells the brain it is full.

Or the brain is unable to tell the bladder to hold on to the wee. 

The link between the brain and bladder develops at different ages and can’t be changed or hurried up.

Bedwetting can also happen if your child:

  • has trouble waking up when the bladder signals it is full
  • has a bladder that can’t hold a large amount of urine
  • produces more urine at night than other children due to differences in hormone levels
  • is unwell or overtired
  • has a family history of bedwetting
  • has a bladder infection, constipation or other physical issue
  • is stressed - eg: living with a new baby, starting school, experiencing family violence or break up. 

Children who wet the bed can stay dry when sleeping in a strange place.

They may sleep lightly if worried about it while away but when back home will often wet the bed again.

Read more about toilet training your toddler, including how to tell if they are ready.

How to help your child

Children are often upset and embarrassed when they wake up in a wet bed.

They may also be worried about upsetting you.

You can help them by trying the following things.

Build their confidence

Wait until your child wakes up dry most mornings, and then try a night without a nappy or pull-up.

Prepare the bed so only the top sheet, towel or bed pad gets wet.

If they’re not confident, let them wear a nappy or pull-up until they feel ready.

Make sure they eat and drink well

Make sure your child has five to six drinks throughout the day. Water is best.

Don’t restrict drinks in the evening.

Don’t give them drinks with caffeine - eg: soft drinks, coffee, tea or hot chocolate.

Include more fibre and water in your child’s diet if they are constipated.

Stick to a routine

Stick to a regular bedtime routine that includes a trip to the toilet before going to sleep.

Talk about bedwetting

Explain in simple terms some of the reasons for bedwetting.

For example: ‘While you’re asleep your brain isn’t getting the message you need to go to the toilet and so you don’t wake up’.

Or: ‘Your bladder, where your wee is stored, hasn’t grown large enough yet to hold all your wee through the night’.

Other tips

You can also:

  • leave a light on or give them a torch so they can find the toilet easily.
  • encourage them to call you if they need help
  • reassure them they will grow out of it - don’t shame, punish, criticise or tease them
  • don’t make younger children put wet items in the laundry - it can feel like a punishment
  • let them know if someone else in the family used to wet the bed - it can help them feel better
  • talk to your child about how they are feeling, and any ideas that could help
  • make sure they have a shower in the morning so others don’t tease them for being smelly.

Behaviour change programs like star charts won’t work because your child can’t control bedwetting.

Use a mattress protector

To help save washing you can cover the mattress with a waterproof mattress protector or put an absorbent bed pad, available at pharmacies, over the bottom sheet.

When to see a doctor or health professional

Talk with your doctor or a continence health professional if you have concerns about bedwetting, or your child does any of the following:

  • still wets their pants during the day by school age
  • starts wetting again during the day or night and this continues
  • is wetting the bed after seven years of age and is becoming very upset by it
  • is often constipated.

School camps and sleepovers

Your child might try to avoid school camps or sleepovers if they wet the bed.

Try the following ideas to support your child for a school camp:

  • talk with the school - teachers are used to dealing with these situations and can help you work out what to do
  • pack plastic bags for wet items and enough clean clothing and underwear
  • pack some wipes to help prevent your child from smelling.

If your child is invited to a sleepover, talk to the parent in advance. Maybe your child could wear a pull-up for the night.

If your child is still very anxious about wetting the bed at camp or a sleepover, talk to your doctor to see if medication can help them while they away from home.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get support to deal with bedwetting, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


NT Youth Round Table

If you're a young person aged 15 to 25 years old, you can apply to become a member of the NT Youth Round Table.

The round table is your chance to discuss with the government issues that affect young people.

If you are part of the Youth Round Table you will be:

  • among a group of 18 young Territorians
  • representing different geographic, cultural and ethnic diversities
  • meeting four times a year
  • passionate about issues that affect young people.

Applications open during the last quarter of the year.

How to apply

For more information about the round table and other opportunities for young people to participate in leadership activities and decision-making, call the Office of Youth Affairs on 08 8999 3862.


Children and TV

Watching TV is an easy and affordable way to entertain children.

These days, children can view programs on a TV, computer or a number of other electronic devices.

Many children are now spending long periods of time looking at screens.

This means they spend less time doing other things that are important for their development and health - like playing, socialising and exercising.

Studies show that after watching fast-paced TV shows, children can have difficulty sleeping or sticking with tasks that take longer, like reading or doing puzzles.

Watching scary shows can make children frightened and upset and can lead to sleep problems, worrying, not wanting to be alone, or concern about themselves or others being hurt or killed.

Watching a lot of TV has been linked to children:

  • not getting enough sleep
  • having a short attention span or poor impulse control
  • accepting violence as a normal way to solve problems.

TV has also been linked to children becoming overweight or obese.

Being inactive for long periods is only part of the problem.

They are exposed to more advertisements for high calorie foods, and tend to eat more snack foods and sweet drinks when watching TV. 

The risk of becoming overweight is increased if the TV is in their bedroom.

Effects of TV at different ages

Your child’s reaction to television can vary depending on how old they are and where they are up to in their development.

Under five years

Children under five have difficulty working out the difference between fantasy and reality on TV. They also:

  • tend to focus on the exciting bits but need help to follow plots
  • can think cartoon characters are real
  • can be frightened by scary images such as vicious animals or monsters, or when a normal character turns into something scary
  • can become frightened and upset about stories involving the death of a parent or vivid images of natural disasters
  • are not able to understand ‘probability’ - so may not feel better if you tell them ‘it’s not likely to happen to us’
  • may become fearful if violence is shown in familiar settings like homes, families, schools - or to children or animals.

Ages five to nine

Children aged between five and nine still have some difficulty working out what is real and what is fantasy. They tend to admire and want to be like the hero or heroine.

This means they may take a message from cartoons that violence works and wins, even if they can tell it is fantasy.

Six and seven-year-olds can believe that TV families are real families, or Sesame Street is a real street.

Nine to ten-year-olds understand that actors are playing a part.

Ages 10 to 12

Children aged between 10 and 12 are likely to be disturbed by content which is based on fact because it means it could happen to them.

They are curious about the teenage world, sex and fashion. They can be misled by the way romantic relationships are shown in programs and movies.

Children in this age group understand how TV programs are made. For example, they know how cartoons are made or that special effects are used.

They can be upset by violence or the threat of violence, or stories in which children are hurt or threatened.

13 and older

Teenagers can be affected by realistic-looking physical harm or threats of intense harm, by images of sexual assault, or by threats from aliens or the supernatural.

They may enjoy being frightened a little, but only when they feel secure. 

However, the more children see frightening programs, the more they believe the world is a frightening place. This can make them anxious and fearful.

Advertising

Most children under eight years believe what the advertisements tell them, particularly if it shows a well-known person or a favourite character.

Children between eight to ten years are aware that adverts don’t always tell the whole truth. However, they are not sure how to tell when they are not.

You can help children learn about advertising by talking about the difference between what a product looks like on TV and what it can actually do in real life.

For example, a doll that looks like it is flying on TV can’t really fly when you get it home. 

Help them spot the tricks, gimmicks and hidden messages used in adverts to get people to buy products.

Violence on TV

Studies show that seeing lots of violence on TV can make children:

  • more likely to use aggressive ways to solve problems
  • less sensitive to violence in real life
  • anxious about the ‘mean and scary’ world in which they live.

The children most likely to be affected by TV violence are:

  • those who watch over three hours each day, particularly boys
  • younger children
  • children who feel insecure or who see or hear violence in the home.

You can help children realise the violence they see on TV is often pretend and would have a much bigger impact in real life.

For example, a person who is shot in real life probably wouldn’t be able to get up and keep fighting.

News on TV

TV news programs often show the most violent or shocking things that have happened that day.

It is only a small part of what happens in the world. For example, the news doesn’t focus on the thousands of planes that take off and land safely, only when there is a crash.

Watching the news can frighten children because they can’t understand the low chance of these events happening in their own life.

They may also think when they see the same event over and over again that the event is happening many times, such as when a tragedy or disaster is covered in the news over many days.

It can help to:

  • talk with children early and often about news images that might come up during other programs
  • help them understand what they are seeing - this might be the news headlines or a newsflash during their favourite program 
  • not allow younger children to watch the news - you can record the news and watch it after children are in bed
  • watch with children as they get older and start to become interested in what's going on in the world - help them get a balanced view.

Screen time recommendations

Australia has guidelines for the maximum amount of time children should spend per day watching all screens - such as mobile phones, iPads and televisions. 

These are:

  • no screen time for children under two years
  • no more than one hour per day for children under five years
  • no more than two hours per day recreational use for children aged five to 18 years.

Research recognises the increasing role of media in the lives of families and children. It has led to the following key messages for parents about children and screen time.

Set limits

Children need and expect limits. Play with your child. Teach kindness. Be involved.

Be a good role model

Limit your own media use and show on-line etiquette. Give your child attention – away from screens.

Monitor TV show quality

Focus on the quality of what your child is doing or watching, not just the length of time.

Be actively involved where possible

You could play a video game with your child. Always co-view with infants and toddlers.

Managing TV time

You can help children plan what they watch from an early age. Use program classifications to select what is suitable for their age.

TV classifications

The classifications include the following:

  • preschool children (P) - designed for preschoolers
  • children (C) - designed for school-aged children
  • general (G) - suitable for all ages
  • parental guidance recommended (PG) - parental guidance recommended for children under 15 years
  • mature (M) - recommended for mature audiences 15 years or over
  • mature adult (MA) - suitable only for mature audiences 15 years or over
  • adult violence (AV) - not suitable for children
  • restricted (R) - not suitable for children - restricted to adults 18 years or over.

Make a family media plan

You can decide as a family how you will create a balance with other recreational activities.

It’s important to review the plan often as children get older.

You might want to agree about:

  • how much time is spent viewing TV and other screens
  • keeping all screens in a room that is open so you can see what children are watching
  • creating tech-free zones - no TVs in children’s bedrooms and recharging of devices overnight and outside your child’s bedroom
  • not having TV and other screens on while getting ready for school, at mealtimes, while doing homework, and one hour before bedtime
  • only switching on the TV after all jobs are done
  • bedtimes that suit your child’s age rather than when a TV program finishes
  • watching music videos - many are sexual and show negative stereotypes which can impact children’s self-image, children as young as five are more likely to have concerns about their body shape if they watch music videos.

Watch TV together

Watching TV with children is a chance to teach them to be critical viewers. 

Help them question what they see and to know how stories work.

If you can’t watch with them, talk with them before or after the show.

You might want to:

  • know the characters in the programs your children watch
  • talk with your children about their favourite characters and what they like about them
  • help them make sense of what they see by understanding the structure of stories
  • help them understand that programs can affect our moods
  • ask them to describe how they feel when they watch something - are they bored, happy, scared, sad, excited, grumpy or worried?
  • ask questions that help them be critical viewers, for example 'What do you think would happen if they did that in real life?'

Making a complaint

If you are concerned about the content of a TV program or advertisement you can make a complaint. 

Put your concerns in writing to the TV station as soon as possible - they don’t have to respond if it is more than 30 days after the program.

If you don’t get an adequate response within 60 days you can make a formal complaint to the Australian Communications and Media Authority.

More information

Find out more, including support to help you understand and monitor how your child use TV and other media, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Children and biting

Biting is quite common in young children. It usually passes when they learn other ways to express themselves.

It can hurt and be frightening for the child who is bitten.

But it can also frighten the child who bites. They can feel powerful because of the strong reaction it gets from others, but it can be scary because they can feel out of control.

Whatever the cause of the biting, you need to:

  • respond quickly, firmly and calmly
  • show your disapproval without anger or over-reacting
  • remove the child from the situation
  • help them find another outlet for feelings.

This page looks at some of the reasons children bite, and what you can do when a child bites or has been bitten.

Experimental biting

Your baby or toddler might experiment with biting for the following reasons:

  • as a part of exploring things with their mouths
  • to communicate their feelings - until they learn words
  • during breastfeeding
  • as a game - if they get a big reaction.

What you can do

Usually, babies and toddlers soon learn not to bite.

You can help your child by doing the following things:

  • don’t let them think it’s funny or a game
  • say firmly: ‘No! Biting hurts’
  • remove them quickly from the breast or arm or whatever they are biting
  • if they are teething, give them things they can safely bite on, such as teething rings.

Biting from frustration

Your child might bite when they get frustrated because they are too young to control their impulses or use other ways to cope.

For example, children under three are not usually ready to play in a cooperative way with others. They might bite or hurt another child who takes their toy.

If biting gets a strong response they may see it as successful and try it again.

What you can do

Young children need you to understand and help them to manage their feelings.

You can help your child by doing the following things:

  • keep group play to short times and small groups - watch for times when two children might want the same toy and step in first to distract them
  • try to avoid situations your child can’t cope with
  • supervise children closely - however a child might still get in a quick bite
  • if your child is young, redirect them away from the situation rather than try to explain your reasons - they are too young to understand, and too many words can confuse them.

Biting when feeling powerless

Often it’s the youngest child in a family who bites.

Older children can seem to talk better, be stronger, and be more able to get what they want. The youngest child can feel small and powerless.

In groups, a less powerful child can discover that biting is a way of getting some power.

What you can do

You can help your child by doing the following things:

  • explain to older children how a younger child might feel - get their help to make things more equal
  • make sure the needs of each child are met
  • make separate play places for older and younger children if you need to
  • if your child has already bitten, tell them it’s not OK to bite and remove them from the situation - keep them with you for a while before letting them return - read about time in and guiding your child's behaviour.

Biting under stress

Your child might bite when they are feeling very upset or angry and they don’t know how to handle their stress. Biting can be a way to show their distress and pain.

Young children don’t understand how they are feeling. They just act.

What you can do

You can help your child by doing the following things:

Try to find out what is causing the stress

If you know what causes the stress, you can remove or lower it. Watch what happens just before the biting happens. For example, if your child bites when another child comes into their space or takes their toy, help your child safely protect their space.

If they have enough words, you could suggest they say: ‘Please move away’. 

Or you could ask your child: ‘What can we do to stop Anna from taking your toy? What other toy could you give her to play with?’

Plan ahead

Planning ahead can help you avoid situations where you know your child might bite. Offer as much love and affection as you can at other times to help them feel secure.

Ask other parents to support you

You may need to ask other parents to support you to help your child stop biting. Ask that they be firm but matter of fact: ‘No, we don’t bite’.

Help children find other ways to express their feelings

You could do this through play and stories.

Don’t bite back

This can really scare your child. It teaches the very thing you don’t want them to learn.

If your child is bitten

Your child might react strongly if they are bitten. This may not because they are in lots of pain, but because it can get lots of attention.

It’s important to comfort your child if they have been bitten, but to not over-react.

You can help your child by doing the following things.

  • comfort them briefly - then encourage them to go straight back to normal play
  • if they are old enough, help them find ways to protect themselves that don’t hurt the child who bit them
  • if they are very young and not able to protect themselves, make sure they are kept safe.

You might worry that a bite could transfer a disease to your child.

A bite can leave a bruise, but it doesn’t usually break the skin - so there is no chance for viruses or bacteria to enter your child’s body.

Some parents think that a child who has bitten another child at child care should be excluded. This reaction is understandable - but it’s best in the long run if the centre provides specific support for the child who has bitten, and makes sure other children are protected.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get support to help understand children and biting, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Children and habits

Your child may do things that are normal for their age to help them feel calm and safe when they are stressed, worried or going through a lot of change.

Sometimes these can become a habit which your child repeats often and without thinking.

Most habits are nothing to worry about and your child will grow out of them as they learn other ways to cope.

But if a habit gets in the way of your child doing everyday activities, or it harms or embarrasses them, there are some things you can do to help them stop.

Dummies, thumbs and other comforters

Sucking is healthy and normal for babies. It’s linked to their need for food and is a way for them to explore their world.

As your baby gets older, they might suck on a dummy, their thumb, a soft toy or a special piece of blanket.

This can help them feel safe and secure - eg: at bedtime or when being cared for by others.

They will usually grow out of this as they get older.

To help your child give up their dummy or comforter you can:

  • wait until they are ready - they might get anxious or upset if you try to take them away when they're still needed
  • choose a time when they are not stressed, lonely or bored
  • suggest they put it somewhere safe while they are busy - let them know they can get it without asking you
  • pin it inside their pocket so they can hold it when needed.

If your child still needs a comforter a lot after 5 or 6 years of age, it’s important to try to work out what is happening in their life and to deal with any issues that are worrying them.

Nailbiting

Your child might bite their nails because they are anxious, shy, still teething, have nothing to do with their hands, or it’s become a habit.

If it makes their fingers bleed or get infected, or otherwise becomes a problem, you can try the following:

  • give your child something to do with their hands when relaxing or watching TV
  • give older children special nail care - manicured nails and nail polish may motivate them to stop biting
  • praise them for small wins in changing the habit.

Some parents use bitter paint on nails, but this can be very unpleasant and often doesn’t work.

Nose picking

Most children pick their nose.

Your child might start to pick their nose if it is irritated when they have a cold or hay fever, but then it becomes a habit.

Nose picking does not cause health problems, except sometimes nose bleeds.

Your child will usually stop picking their nose in public when they learn it isn’t OK in front of others.

It can help to:

  • teach your child to use a tissue to clean their nose - make sure there is always one handy
  • interrupt the behaviour by quickly asking them to do something - eg: to hold something for you
  • ask them to rub rather than pick their nose
  • have a ‘secret signal’ you use with an older child as a reminder to not pick.

Try not to focus on a child’s habit too much as it could increase their stress and reward the behaviour by giving them more attention when they do it.

Pulling out hair

Many children twirl or stroke their hair. Your child might do it when they suck their thumb, or when they feel tired or anxious.

If your child is pulling their hair out you can try the following:

  • try to ignore it - most children will stop pulling out their hair in time
  • help your child relax with a gentle scalp massage
  • provide special haircare for older children
  • think about hair styles - short hair is harder to pull out than long hair.

Teeth grinding

Your child might grind their teeth at night or clench their jaw tightly. This can give them headaches or a sore jaw. It can also damage their teeth.

Teeth grinding happens when your child is asleep, so it’s important to remember:

  • you can’t make your child stop through rewards or punishments
  • it isn’t helpful to wake them to stop the grinding - this is likely to make it worse.

Talk with your dentist if it continues.

Headbanging

Headbanging is common in toddlers. It can begin at about nine months and usually stops before four years. A child might bang their head for only a few minutes, or for several hours. It’s more common in boys than girls.

Your child might bang their head because:

  • the rhythm comforts and soothes them as they fall asleep
  • it helps distract them from the pain of teething or an ear infection
  • it might get your attention.

Usually headbanging is not serious. Even if your child bangs their head quite hard, they probably won’t hurt themselves or get upset by any pain.

Your child will most likely stop banging their head without your help. However, your child’s headbanging might worry you, so you can try the following:

  • remove hard bedheads and shift the bed away from the wall
  • don’t pad their cot or bed - they might get trapped
  • wait until your child is ready before putting them down to sleep
  • stroke their head to comfort them while they fall asleep
  • give them other ways to enjoy rhythm - such as dancing, marching or clapping hands to music
  • talk to a community nurse or your doctor if it happens so often that it disturbs your child’s play or sleep, or you think it might be part of a developmental problem.

Body rocking and head rolling are similar to headbanging and will usually go away in time.

Breath holding

Breath holding can be frightening to watch but will not hurt your child. It’s very common in toddlers and sometimes happens in babies. 

Most children stop doing it by about 6 years.

Your child might hold their breath if they are frightened, angry, upset, or have hurt themselves.

if your child passes out during a breath-holding spell, keep them lying down until they recover.

Their body will relax and they will automatically start to breathe again.

If your child holds their breath, you should:

  • reassure others that your child is OK and not in danger
  • if driving, stop the car to ensure you’re both safe
  • not punish or reward the behaviour - treat your child normally after
  • try to learn what triggers the breath holding so you can take steps to avoid it.

Coughing

Sometimes a cough that starts with a cold or another physical cause can turn into a habit.

If your child has a habit cough from stress it will probably sound different to other coughs. It might be louder and more obvious, quiet, or a single cough repeated every few minutes.

Coughing that goes on for many weeks may be due to a physical problem such as asthma or hay fever.

If your child coughs a lot you could try the following:

  • get them checked by a doctor to make sure there is no physical cause for the cough
  • if they are old enough, encourage them to talk about any worries - having someone listen and understand can help.

Touching genitals

It’s natural for your child to be curious about their body and to touch their genitals as part of learning.

By early school years, they will probably learn that this is something they should do in private.

If you are worried by your child's genital touching you should:

  • respond calmly - choose to either ignore the behaviour or distract them with something else
  • talk with your child about bodies and privacy
  • read a book with them to help them learn more about their body.

If your child is engaging in sexual behaviour that worries you, talk with a doctor, counsellor or child health nurse.

Read more about children and learning about sexuality.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get help to deal with your child's habits, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Children and tantrums

Tantrums happen when a child is overwhelmed by strong feelings and lose control of their behaviour.

They are not able to calm themselves down or think about what is happening.

It’s very scary for the child and it can be scary for parents too.

Tantrums mostly happen in toddlers and are a normal part of their development.

Not all strong feelings are tantrums. Children can be defiant or angry at times, but it doesn’t mean they are losing control and having a tantrum.

What causes tantrums

Some people use the term ‘temper tantrum’ - but the anger and frustration of a tantrum is always mixed with other feelings. 

Your toddler may be:

  • scared
  • jealous
  • frustrated
  • disappointed
  • discouraged by only hearing ‘no’ or ‘stop that’
  • over-stimulated
  • hungry or thirsty
  • unwell
  • tired
  • needing attention
  • affected by other stresses like child care, a new baby, parents fighting or feeling stressed.

A tantrum is a sign your child is overwhelmed by their feelings.

They are not being naughty or trying to control you. It is a call for your help.

Preventing tantrums

No matter what you do, some tantrums are bound to happen. There are things you can do to help keep them to a minimum.

Learn the triggers

In the build-up to a tantrum, your child will show they are becoming overloaded with emotion. They might be:

  • clingy
  • whiney
  • out-of-sorts
  • very demanding or persistent
  • acting silly
  • overly active.

Notice what is going on when tantrums happen

Take note of the time of day, what you are doing and  what your child is doing.

If there is a pattern, try to work out what you can do to prevent the tantrum.

For example, if it always happens around dinner time, try giving them dinner earlier, bathing them before dinner, letting them help you prepare the meal, or having some special time with them at this time of day.

Try to work out what is bothering them

It might seem small to you, but can be huge for your child. 

If it comes on top of other stresses or frustration it can tip them ‘over the edge’.

Other tips for reducing tantrums

Some of the following tips may help reduce tantrums:

  • spend regular, one-on-one time with your child
  • give your child lots of room to move and explore
  • play with them and follow their lead - it’s a good way to learn how they see the world
  • notice and tell them all the good things you like about them and what they do
  • say what you want in positive ways - eg: ‘Let’s see how quickly you can put your toys in the box‘ instead of ‘Put your toys away’
  • think about stress in your child’s life and try to find ways to reduce it.

Plan ahead

Planning ahead can help keep tantrums from happening too often. It can help to:

  • go on outings after sleeps and meals and not when your child is hungry or tired
  • distract them - ‘Look what I’ve got here’
  • put things out of sight if they can’t have them
  • have predictable routines where possible - they help children to feel secure and in control.

Be flexible

It’s important to be flexible if your child is finding it hard to cope.

If you can see it’s going to be ‘one of those days’, leave what you had planned and do something relaxing with your child - a small amount of time at the start of the day can save a lot of time and stress at the end of the day.

If it has felt like a tough day, make time to relax and connect with your child. You could:

  • walk in the park or around the block
  • sit and watch a quiet DVD together
  • sing or dance
  • tell stories or read a book.

Help your child feel in control

Toddlers are learning to do things for themselves as they become more independent.

Let them feel in control as they practice new skills. You can avoid a power struggle and a tantrum.

It can be helpful to:

  • stay calm and be patient when they want to do things their way
  • tell them you know how they feel if they start to get upset
  • let them know when a change is coming - eg: when leaving the playground say, ‘We need to leave soon. What do you want to play on for this last five minutes?’
  • let your toddler feel in charge even when there isn’t a choice - eg: say ‘We need to turn the TV off when this program is finished. Do you want to turn it off yourself, or would you like me to do it?’ 

The more your toddler feels in control and able to do things, the calmer they will be.

What to do during a tantrum

When your child is out of control they need you to stay with them, keep calm and help them to manage their feelings.

This is called ‘time in’. Read more about time in and guiding your child's behaviour

Staying with your child helps them to:

  • feel secure
  • learn that big feelings can be managed
  • build trust - they learn that no matter how bad things are, you will not abandon them.

You can:

  • tell them you understand how they feel - eg: ‘I can see you are upset because you really want that toy’
  • be kind with your words and touch - if they won’t let you hold them, stay close so they feel secure and can connect with you again when they are ready
  • say ‘It’s OK to be upset but I won’t let you hurt yourself/hit/kick/bite’ if they are hurting themselves or hitting, kicking or biting others
  • reassure them this upset will pass and they will soon feel calm again.

If your own feelings are getting out of control, tell your child you are going to another room for a while so you can feel better.

Tell them you will be back soon to look after them. 

Make sure they are safe and get someone else to stay with them if you can. Come back when you said you would.

What doesn’t help

It is not helpful to:

  • try to reason with your child - they can’t ‘hear’ you when their feelings are so big
  • punish a child during a tantrum - they are not being naughty, but they are not able to control themselves when feeling overwhelmed
  • ignore a tantrum - this can frighten your child because they don’t know what to do without your help
  • threaten to walk off and leave them, or laugh at them - this can make them feel even more upset.

What to do after a tantrum

When you and your child are calm, remind them that you love them before you help them to learn from what happened.

Help your child deal with feelings

It’s important to help your child understand and name any underlying feeling that is causing them to be upset.

For example, if your child is upset you might say:

  • you seem very angry - can you tell me what’s wrong?
  • you really wanted that toy - you must be disappointed
  • I think you must be sad inside - tell me if you need a hug.

If your child is sad, they might want you to hold them until they finish crying.

It’s important to not ignore your child’s big feelings - they can get pushed down and may show up in other ways that can be hard to deal with later. 

For example, your child may:

  • become withdrawn, whiny, anxious or rebellious
  • develop habits like nailbiting, jiggling legs or hair-twirling to try to contain their pent-up feelings
  • learn to be afraid of emotions
  • find it harder to know their true feelings as they get older.

Respond to the cause of the tantrum

Try to look at things through your child’s eyes to understand what caused the upset.

This does not mean giving in to what your child wants.

It means helping them learn to solve problems and to deal with change, disappointment and frustration.

Tantrums at the shops

Many tantrums happen at the shops, which can be very stressful. Parents can feel embarrassed and worry about what others think.

If you take your child shopping:

  • try to be quick - take a list of what you need
  • make sure children are not tired and have been to the toilet
  • bring a snack for them to eat
  • don’t chat too long with other adults
  • let your child help by getting things off the lower shelves for you
  • have a treat afterwards such as a drink or spending some time in the park.

If your child is building to a tantrum, you need to be strong enough to leave the shopping basket where it is and take them out to the car or somewhere quiet until they calm down. 

When your child copes well, let them know how proud you are that they managed so well.

Tantrums and older children

If your child is still having tantrums when they are school age it could be that something is going wrong for them. It could be:

  • stress, like not coping with schoolwork or friends
  • family problems, like parents fighting or family break-up
  • a health problem.

If you can see your child’s feelings building up, encourage them to take some quiet time until they feel calm.

You could stay with them, or not, whichever they find most helpful. 

When you are both calm, talk about what gets them upset and look at ways they might deal with this.

If your child has a lot of tantrums and you can’t find the cause, talk to a health professional or counsellor.

Dealing with tantrums can be very stressful. Look after yourself so that you can stay stronger, wiser and kind when tantrums happen.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get support to understand and deal with tantrums, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Children with a disability

Finding out your child has a disability can happen at birth, after an illness or accident, or as your child develops.

You may feel grief at the loss of dreams for your child’s future and worry about their quality of life.

Every child is different with a unique set of needs and abilities. Likewise, each parent will respond in a different way with a unique set of emotions.

It will help you and your child if you seek support early from professionals, family, friends, or other parents in the same situation.

To be the best carer you can be, and to provide your child with the highest quality of life possible, it’s important to understand their needs and your own.

Your child’s needs

In addition to needing special care, your child has a range of emotional needs and rights.

They should have information about what has happened and know the words about their disability.

They need to feel free to ask questions about their condition and to have access to information about their day-to-day care and treatment.

Your child has the right be treated with respect and valued as a person. To feel loved, loveable, safe and comfortable, and to have help in dealing with being seen as different by other people.

They should also be given the opportunity to achieve as much as they can, make friends, and have as much say as possible over what happens to them.

Helping your child to learn

While it may be quicker and easier to do things for your child, teaching them to do as much as they can for themselves is vital to their development and wellbeing.

Children and young people with disabilities can go on learning new basic skills well after other children have learned these things.

Teaching them requires patience, time and encouragement.

When teaching your child new skills, consider the following:

  • only give one suggestion at a time - use short sentences
  • show them how to do things - you may need to do this over and over
  • talk about what you are doing as you do it - eg: dressing them
  • break down tasks into small parts - it can help your child feel capable
  • don’t criticise mistakes - focus on the bits they get right
  • don’t expect too much - your child may get upset and frustrated
  • don’t rush your child - give them a chance to try new things
  • allow them to help you with daily tasks where they can
  • show your child you have confidence in them
  • if you need to, contact an occupational therapist - they can often help with tasks that seem too hard for children to manage.

Safety

It’s not possible to protect your child at all times, so it’s important to teach them as many safety rules as they are capable of learning.

This will take time and patience, along with a lot of encouragement along the way.

Consider teaching your child the following:

  • how to keep safe at home - eg: around fire, water, electricity, pets, answering the phone or knocks at the door
  • to stay within safe boundaries - eg: within your home fence or other areas
  • how to behave while you are shopping or visiting other places
  • to identify what’s safe to eat and what is not
  • to only take medicine given to them by you, or other specified carers
  • how to stay safe when using roads, footpaths or public transport
  • their home address, phone number or your mobile phone number, so they know how to contact you or tell others - they could carry a written copy
  • to identify unsafe or undesirable touching
  • how to use the home phone or their mobile phone to call you or another trusted person, and how to call an emergency number for help.

Try to find the balance between protecting your child and letting them be as independent as they can. All children need the chance to be their best. 

Read more about child safety.

For more information and ideas read the 7 Steps to Safety on the Department of Children and Families website.

Child care and school

Many children with disabilities go to mainstream childcare centres, preschools and schools.

Wherever they go, these places can be a large part of their lives and it’s important they work well for your child. 

Speak to staff well before your child is ready to start. Make sure they know your child’s needs and abilities and can put supports in place.

Some issues can be:

  • wheelchair access and suitable desks or computers
  • the need for additional learning support staff and input from services such as speech or occupational therapy
  • teachers not understanding your child’s condition, needs and abilities
  • your child missing school and losing touch with friends due to appointments or being unwell
  • bullying and teasing.

There are many things you can do to support your child and make their education or child care experience more fulfilling. You could:

  • check out the service or school with your child first to make sure it’s right for them
  • ask about extra resources such as support staff, ramps, or computers
  • help your child learn to manage their own clothes and needs as far as possible so they can feel and be independent
  • find out what school activities your child can take part in - eg: drama, music and outings
  • let all of your child’s teachers know if tiredness, pain or coordination problems make it hard for them to do some tasks
  • arrange for a health professional to visit and talk to children and staff about your child and how they can help
  • where possible, try to arrange medical appointments outside school hours
  • encourage friendships where you can - make it easy for your child’s friends to visit your home
  • keep in regular contact with your child’s teachers. 

Growing up

Many parents of children with a disability have difficultly ‘letting go’ when their child seeks independence at various stages in their development.

However, you can help prepare your child for the process of growing up.

Teach your child about sexuality and keeping safe 

Children with a disability are at a higher risk of sexual abuse.

As far as your child is able, it’s important they have some understanding about bodies and privacy and how to tell others if something worries them. You should:

  • let them practice being more independent - eg: weekends in respite care, trips away, belonging to groups
  • support them in learning about friendships and relationships, including sexual relationships
  • talk with your child about differences they might notice between them and their friends - talk to a health professional if you are worried about their emotional health
  • as they get older, find out about options for your child’s future care while you can still support them through any changes.

Read more about how to protect your child from sexual abuse.

Read the 7 Steps to Safety on the Department of Children and Families website. 

The online world

Using mobile phones, the internet and social networks can be a source of entertainment, support and connection for children and young people with a disability.

Consider the pros and cons for your child - what they gain and what they need to stay safe.

You may need to be closely involved with what they do.

Coping with prejudice and bullying

People with a disability are at greater risk of being teased, bullied or mistreated. To help your child deal with this, you can:

  • ask what practices childcare centres, preschools or schools have to deal with discrimination and bullying before you enrol your child - most have anti-bullying policies
  • help your child understand it’s not their fault - the problem is with the other person, not them
  • help your child to play with children who can do the same sorts of things they can so they can have friendships on an equal basis
  • make sure they know not to retaliate, and to tell you, their teacher or another trusted adult - seek help for them yourself.

Your needs

Caring for a child with a disability can consume your life.

To be the best carer you can be, it’s important not to neglect your own needs.

The following ideas can help:

  • take care of your health - get breaks when you can
  • accept offers of help
  • think of yourself as a partner with professionals - ask questions
  • focus on the things your child can do
  • celebrate small day-to-day successes
  • value your personal strengths for coping, such as a sense of humour
  • keep in contact with supportive friends and family members
  • teach your child to care for themselves
  • let them experience things for themselves, including taking some risks
  • find a support group of parents with similar experiences.

Feelings of grief

When you first realise your child has a disability you may feel the grief that many people suffer after a loss or trauma. This can include:

  • shock
  • disbelief
  • anger
  • blame
  • guilt
  • sadness
  • questioning - why has this happened to you and your child
  • panic
  • fear that you won’t be able to cope.

How well you cope with your own feelings and your child’s disability depends on lots of things:

  • what sense you can make of what’s happened to your child and what you tell yourself about it - this can be affected by how well it was explained to you and what the cause was
  • your partner’s reactions and how they cope
  • the amount of support you have from family and others
  • the amount of respite you have
  • the relationship you build with your child
  • the quality of life your child has
  • the effect it has on your family life and working life
  • for some people, their religious faith.

Symptoms of grief can come back at different stages during your child’s life as new challenges or losses happen - eg: if your child can’t go to the local school, make friends, or become independent.

It’s important to give yourself time to grieve and get support when these feelings resurface.

If you have negative feelings towards your child that won’t go away it’s important to get help. Remember, many parents feel this way at times.

Signs of unresolved grief

If your grief does not get better over time it can affect the way you care for your child, other children, yourself and your relationships. If this happens, seek help to work through your feelings.

Some signs that your grief is not getting better are if:

  • you can’t seem to get away from memories of your crisis
  • after time, failure to see anything good about your child’s life
  • inability to accept your child as they are and unrealistic expectations about their abilities and future
  • ongoing anger and guilt
  • persistent searching for reasons, even when you have all the information
  • failure to accept the challenges you and your child are facing.

If you still have any of these feelings after a year or so, it’s worth talking it over with someone.

Your rights

You have the right to say what you want for your child and for it to be heard. You have the right to:

  • an explanation of what has happened and why as often as you need to hear it
  • information about your child’s condition and how it will be managed, and to feel you can have some control of this
  • encouragement, respect and privacy
  • be treated with dignity - both you and your child
  • a break from caring for your child
  • seek opinions from a range of professionals
  • expect the same standard of health care and support for your child with a disability as for any other child.

Relationships in your family

Having a child with a disability can put stress on family relationships. It’s important to deal with this for your child’s sake as well as your own.

It’s easy to be overwhelmed and spend all your time and energy on your child with a disability and not others. It may help to:

  • share your feelings with your partner and listen to theirs
  • share the daily tasks
  • make time to spend with your partner - this may be hard to do but is very important
  • remember your other children - they have as much right to your love and attention as your child with a disability.

Read more about siblings of children with a disability.

Grandparents

The support of grandparents can be great for you and your other children. But there can be special challenges when a grandchild has a disability.

Some grandparents may:

  • feel pain for their own child as well as for their grandchild
  • worry about the future
  • not want to accept that the child has a disability - they might act as if it has not happened
  • not be able to give parents the support they need - grandparents are suffering from loss at the same time as the parents
  • blame one of the parents.

You can support grandparents by:

  • sharing your feelings and grief so you can help each other
  • making sure they know about the disability and the treatment available
  • respecting their feelings about what they can do to help - they may feel they have done their child-rearing and want to have time to themselves
  • helping them get support from a community leader, especially if they are from a culture that may find it harder to accept disability.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get support for your child with a disability, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Children, lies and fibs

When children don’t tell the truth it can upset and worry parents. It is important to understand what the lie means to your child before you react.

Learning about the truth

Children’s understanding of the truth is related to their development. 

Understanding and telling the truth is something that children learn over years, not something they know from birth.

Pre-school aged children

Telling lies has no meaning for children under three. They do not understand that thinking is private and they believe their parents can read their minds.

Three to four year olds are learning that other people don’t know what they are thinking. Children this age have a very strong imagination. It is normal for them to make up stories and to blame someone else.

Early school aged children

Children in the early years of school usually want to please their parents more than they want to do the ‘right thing’. 

They are less likely to tell the truth if they think it will make their parents angry or upset.

Middle to late primary school aged children

By eight or nine years of age children may have some understanding of the difference between truth and fantasy – eg: understanding about Father Christmas.

A child’s sense of right and wrong is usually developed by about nine or ten years of age.

Imaginary friends

Some children at about three or four have an imaginary friend. This friend usually disappears as the child grows older. A child might talk to the friend when they are upset or blame the friend when they do something wrong. 

There is no need to worry unless your child seems very withdrawn and unable to get on with other children and adults.

Why young children lie

Young children might lie because they:

  • are not old enough to understand the difference between truth and untruth, or right and wrong
  • fear punishment or losing parents’ affection
  • have low self-esteem and want to make themselves sound better
  • want to impress their friends and fit in with the group
  • really believe what they are saying is true – it is how things seem to them
  • are copying other people - parents might say that lying is wrong but not always tell the truth themselves - eg: when someone is at the door and a parent says, ‘Tell them I am not home’
  • are saying what they wish was true – eg: ‘My dad always takes me to the football’.

Why older children and teenagers lie

Older children and teenagers might lie because they:

  • fear that if they tell the truth they will not be allowed to do something they really want to do
  • have a need to keep some parts of their lives private and not share them with parents.

It may be helpful to give older children and teenagers some personal privacy.

What to do when your child lies

Try to understand why your child is not telling the truth. There may be something you can help with.

Try not to get into a battle about telling the truth. Teach children why it is important to tell the truth and how it helps to develop trust.

Notice when your child tells the truth and let them know you are pleased. Don’t label your child ‘a liar’ because labels tend to encourage the kind of behaviour you don’t want.

If you think your child is afraid of being punished

You should: 

  • let them know it is safe to tell the truth and you will not be angry if something wrong has happened
  • talk about the ways that you will deal with mistakes so they know not to fear being honest
  • try not to accuse your child of mistakes - eg: 'I see there's been an accident with the milk, let's clean it up' or 'Can you clean it up?' rather than 'Did you spill the milk?'

Teach younger children the difference between truth and fantasy

You should:

  • say ‘That was a good story’ or ‘I can see you make up lovely stories, maybe we can write them down to keep’
  • show your child you understand that some lies are wishes - if a child says their Dad is phoning all the time and you know this is not true, you could say 'It sounds like you wish Dad could be here all the time.'

Set a good example

You should:

  • tell the truth yourself
  • don’t break promises, because to a child that seems like telling a lie 
  • if you can’t do what you promised, give a good reason.

As your child gets older

As your child gets older you might want to help them understand that sometimes it can be okay not to tell the truth, such as when it is not polite or could be hurtful.

For example, saying ‘thank you for the lovely present’ whether they like it or not. 

It takes a long time for children to learn the difference between lies to be kind and lies for other reasons.

If your child keeps lying

If your child keeps lying for any reason or is unable to accept the truth when it is shown to them in a caring way, you may want to seek counselling.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get support to help understand and manage when your child lies, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Feeding your toddler

Parents sometimes worry that their toddler is not getting enough healthy food. It can help to remember:

  • you are the most important role model for your toddler - it is important your toddler sees you eating and enjoying healthy food
  • it’s up to you to decide what food and drinks you will provide for your child - they can then decide what and how much they will eat
  • if you provide healthy food and drinks, your toddler will eat well, whatever they choose.

What to feed your toddler

Your toddler has a small stomach - about the size of their fist - so they need to eat small amounts often.

For example, three small meals and two to three snacks each day. 

Offer small serves and remove uneaten food without comment.

You shouldn’t ever have to force your child to eat. Children are good at knowing when they are hungry and when they are full. 

This skill can be easily lost if children are forced to eat, or are told to finish everything on their plate.

They may learn to keep eating even when they’ve had enough. This can lead to weight problems later.

Try to make meal times relaxed and happy, and avoid battles about food.

Food

Toddlers should eat a variety of nutritious foods every day, including at least:

  • two serves of vegetables - eg: one cup of salad and ½ cup cooked vegetable
  • one serve of fruit - eg: one banana and one slice melon
  • 1½ serves of dairy foods - eg: ¾ cup of yogurt and one cup of milk
  • one serve of protein - either lean meat, fish, poultry (chicken), eggs or legumes like baked beans, tofu or lentils
  • four serves of grain/cereal foods - eg: one slice bread, ½ cup cooked rice or pasta, two breakfast biscuits and one small crumpet or English muffin.

Don’t worry if your toddler doesn’t eat all of these every day. Their appetite can vary each day depending on how active they are, or if they are tired or unwell.

If your family is vegan and does not eat animal foods like meat, milk, cheese or eggs, it will be harder for your toddler to get enough calcium, iron and protein for healthy growth.

Check with your doctor or a dietitian about what to do.

Water

Serve water with each snack or meal. Plain water is the best drink for children.

It’s cheap, it has no added sugar and it helps prevent tooth decay.

Most children enjoy drinking water if they get used to drinking it early.

Milk

Milk is an important drink for children but they can easily fill up on milk and have less appetite for other foods.

Up to 500 millilitres of full-cream milk a day is plenty. To help prevent tooth decay, it’s best to give them milk in a cup, not a bottle.

Breastmilk provides great health benefits for toddlers well into their second year of life.

Breastfeeding may continue for as long as the mother and child wish.

Children aged one to two years need full-cream milk. Reduced-fat milk should be encouraged for children over two years.

Junk food and drinks

Takeaway foods, junk food, biscuits, chips, fruit juice, cordial and fizzy drinks are not needed in a toddler’s diet.

Offer them on special occasions only and try not to have them in the house.

Don’t give children tea, coffee, sports drinks, energy drinks or alcohol.

Snacks

Your toddler probably doesn’t sit still for long, so you might want to try any of these on-the-go snacks:

  • fruit and softened vegetables cut into sticks or small pieces -add some low-fat dip
  • cheese cubes or sticks and sultanas
  • wholemeal toast cut into fingers
  • hard-boiled eggs
  • homemade biscuits
  • iceblocks made from freezing pureed fruit
  • a tub of yoghurt
  • small tin of baked beans.

Make sure they stop and sit down to eat.

Encouraging your toddler to eat

Feeding toddlers can be hard for parents. Toddlers are more independent in their second year and may want to control what they eat. 

It’s normal for your toddler’s appetite to slow down at this age because they’re not growing as quickly.

If you are having trouble getting your toddler to eat, try any of the following ideas:

  • eat with your toddler and show them how much you enjoy healthy food
  • let your toddler help you get food ready - they can wash fruit and vegetables, pass you things to be chopped up
  • make the food into a picture of a face on their plate
  • vary where you eat - have a picnic in the garden, or put food in the centre of the table so everyone can serve themselves
  • eat with other families
  • try to feed your toddler early in the evening, before they get tired
  • encourage an interest in food - talk to them when you are shopping, grow herbs or vegetables at home
  • let them eat the same food at every meal until they are ready to move on to a new food.

It is best to avoid the following:

  • threats, scolding, rushing or bribery
  • sitting at the table for a long time
  • comparison with other children
  • tricks or games to induce eating
  • offering sweet food as a reward
  • giving up on a food after just one try - it can take 10 times or more before a toddler will accept a new food.

Never force your child to eat. It can cause choking or make them dislike that food.

It could also start a power struggle about food with your child.

Safe eating

Children under four years are at risk of choking on hard foods as they don’t have the back teeth needed to chew food well.

You can reduce choking risk by doing the following:

  • always sit children down to eat
  • don’t give food or drink when children are running, playing, laughing or crying
  • stay close and watch children while they eat
  • encourage children to eat slowly and chew well
  • cook, mash or grate hard fruits and vegetables like apples and carrots
  • do not give foods that are tough and chewy, like some meats
  • cut small round foods like grapes and cherry tomatoes in half 
  • remove skins from sausages and frankfurts and cut into small pieces
  • remove seeds, stones, pips or bones from foods like fruit and fish
  • do not give corn chips, popcorn, nuts, hard or sticky lollies or hard crackers.

If you are worried about what your child eats, talk with your doctor or other health professional.

Regular checks of their height and weight will help you know if they are growing well.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get support to help with feeding your toddler, on the following pages: 

Copyright

The information in this tip sheet was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Having another baby

A new baby arriving in the family brings big changes for everyone.

It can be a very exciting time for toddlers and young children but involve some stresses as well.

Young children often feel left out and insecure when a new baby is on the way or has arrived in the family.

They might not know how to tell you they feel worried or upset about the attention the new baby is getting.

This can show in their behaviour. This is normal for young children. It doesn’t mean they are being bad, naughty or selfish.

You can help them to feel loved and secure by giving them hugs and smiles and by spending special time with them.

Before the baby arrives

Tell your toddler about the new baby, but not too soon. They don’t understand time very well and it can be a long time for them to wait. 

Tell them later in the pregnancy when they can see what is happening.

Make any changes for your toddler, such as moving from a cot to a bed, well before the baby arrives. Make it something special for them.

Tell your toddler what will happen when the baby arrives. Involve them in planning if they want to. You could:

  • ask them to choose between two outfits for the new baby
  • give them a doll as their baby
  • talk to them about babies and look at books and pictures.

Plan ahead for the mother's time in hospital.

Your toddler will cope best if they stay at home with people they know well, like a father, grandparent or other trusted adult. 

If they have to go somewhere else or be with someone they don’t know well, help them get used to it before the baby is due.

Try to reduce stress around the time of the baby’s arrival. For example, avoid toilet training unless your toddler clearly wants to try.

Visiting hospital

Let your toddler visit their mother and the baby in hospital as much as you can.

Even if they cry when they leave, it can be better for them to see their mother and know where she is. It can help to:

  • make them feel special when they visit - it might help if their mother is not holding or feeding the baby when they arrive
  • take photos of your toddler with the baby to show them this is their family and it’s a special time
  • give your toddler something of their mother’s to look after while she’s away, like a favourite scarf - this will help them understand that their mother is coming back
  • give your toddler a photo of their mother to hold
  • let them choose a special present for the baby
  • give your toddler ‘a present from the baby'.

If they are not able to visit their mother, phone calls can help.

Make sure they know you will still love them when the new baby comes home.

This can help them to adjust and sets the foundation for a positive relationship with their brother or sister.

Bringing the new baby home

Your toddler’s behaviour might change when the baby comes home, even if you have prepared them well.

Changes might go on for some weeks and this can be hard when you are also managing a newborn. They might:

  • go back to younger behaviour - like wanting a baby bottle or going backwards with toilet training
  • show other signs of stress, like tantrums, when you are feeding or bathing the baby.

These are normal reactions which show that your toddler might be feeling insecure and less loved when you spend time with the new baby.

Don’t worry if your toddler’s behaviour goes backwards for a little while.

Let this happen without comment and it can help them to feel better sooner.

How you can help

There are things you can do to help your other young children when you bring your new baby home.

Spend time together

Try to spend special time with your toddler every day. You may need someone to care for your baby while you do this.

Other family members could have special time with them too.

Have special activities you can do together while the baby feeds. You could:

  • read a book together
  • have some special toys that only come out when you are feeding the baby
  • watch a special DVD
  • tell them stories about when they were a baby
  • some children like to have a doll they can ‘feed’ too.

Let them know you understand how they feel.

You could say ‘I know you feel upset when I’m feeding our baby and you want to play. I like playing with you too'.

Read books together about new babies. Find books showing the older child both happy and upset about the new baby.

Show them how to touch the baby gently

Always be there to make sure the baby is safe.

Let them know they are not allowed to hurt the baby. Teach them that hitting is not how to show angry feelings.

Encourage good behaviour

Notice the good and helpful things they do and give them praise. You can encourage them to talk and sing to the baby too.

Persevere and be consistent even though it can be hard when you are tired and busy with the new baby.

Some parents miss the relationship they had with their toddler before the baby arrived.

Being aware of these feelings and giving yourself time to adjust can help you understand more about your toddler’s feelings too.

Showing that you understand how they feel can make a big difference.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get help to manage another baby, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Running away

Children and young people in families from all walks of life sometimes run away from home.

This can happen for many reasons. They may be reacting to something emotionally in the heat of the moment, or testing limits.

Most young people who run away and are reported to the police are found within 48 hours.

While children and young people usually return home within this time it can be very scary for parents and family.

Why children and young people run away

In adolescence, the influence of friends and the media can be very strong as young people start to form their own ideas and values. 

As part of testing new things out, young people often believe they can take risks and still be safe. They’re often torn between wanting complete freedom very quickly and wanting to be cared for as they have been in childhood.  

Parents can be torn between trying to make sure their child is safe and supporting them to gradually become more independent.

Some children run away because:

  • there’s a disagreement on something they feel strongly about - they may have trouble communicating or negotiating what they want
  • they might believe that by running away their parents will realise they’ve made a mistake
  • they’re afraid they’re about to get into trouble
  • they think their home has too many rules and limits
  • they don’t like the situation at home with a parent’s new partner, step-parent, defacto or stepbrothers and sisters
  • they’re trying to get away from a difficult situation like bullying at school
  • they’re depressed, have a drug or mental health problem and need help
  • home isn’t safe or there’s something serious going wrong in their lives, like parents continually arguing, family violence, physical or sexual abuse or neglect.

For whatever reason, some young people genuinely feel unwanted and unloved. If they run away, it can be a cry for help and you need to take it seriously.

What you can do

Parents can feel they’ve lost their influence and control and can feel helpless when their child or young person runs away. 

Whatever your child may say in the heat of an argument you are still very important to them and have influence in many ways. 

It’s very scary for children and young people if they feel you’ve given up on them.

You can prevent your children from running away by doing all of the following:

  • if things are starting to go wrong between you, try to work out what the problem is and rebuild the relationship before there’s a crisis
  • try to listen to your child’s point of view before giving yours
  • talk with them about other things rather than focusing on problems
  • make sure your child knows you love them
  • try to find some middle ground where you can each agree on something
  • if your child threatens to run away, take it seriously - it doesn’t help to dare them 
  • listen to how they are feeling, what the problems are and what things could change for the better
  • you may need some time apart to let things settle down - maybe your child could stay for a while with a close relative or friend whom you both trust, while you work out your differences.
  • try to look at the situation differently - asking ‘What can we do to make everyone feel better?’ may be a more helpful question than ‘Why is that kid always making trouble?’
  • seek support and advice from your child’s teacher or school counsellor - there may be issues at school or with friends that you don’t know about
  • know their friends, who they mostly talk to and where they get support - when young people run away, friends will often know where they’re likely to go
  • keep building a positive relationship with your child
  • try to work out rules together so your child feels they have choices.

If your child runs away

Try to stay calm. Remember most runaways return by themselves.

Find out how they left and where they may have gone. Did they take money or clothes? Leave a note? Use a social media site?

Contact parents of their friends to find out what they know. Don’t worry about doing this as most people know from their own experience that all families have ups and downs. Contact their friends also.

If you find out your child is with friends, let them know that you are worried and that you want to talk.

Have an open door attitude to coming home.

When you make contact with your child you may need a third person to help you both talk things through in the beginning. Be prepared to make some changes.

Children who run away may be experiencing a situation that is too distressing for them to continue living in. Encourage your child to talk to you about anything.

If you can’t find your child and are seriously worried about their safety, don’t waste time. Phone the Northern Territory Police on 131 444 to report them missing.

When your child returns

Don’t launch into major discussions or lectures as soon as they walk in the door.

Give them time to settle in before you talk.

Allow them to save face. Don’t say things like ‘I knew you’d come crawling back!’

Try to see and understand the problem from each other’s point of view. Try to work together on ways to make things different.

Talk about their strengths and the good things in your relationship.

If you can’t talk together or you can’t seem to get anywhere, ask someone else to help you sort it out. A school counsellor could be a good place to start.

More information

You can report a missing person at your local police station or phone 131 444 if your child has run away.

You or your child can get support from services listed on the following pages:

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Sibling rivalry

Arguments between brothers and sisters are normal.

They are one of the ways children learn how to work out differences, be fair, respect each other and get along with others. It’s also one of the ways they learn to sort out problems.

It’s important for parents to be good role models, and to help children work things out fairly and without hurting each other until they learn to do this for themselves.

This will help them learn to sort out issues in other relationships in the future.

How to reduce conflict between siblings

You can reduce conflict by helping each child feel equally loved and valued:

  • spend special time with each child
  • comment equally on their achievements - eg: a piece of art work, a report card
  • don’t compare your children with each other
  • focus on each child’s strengths and skills
  • allow each child to have special things of their own that their siblings don’t touch
  • give each child something small when buying gifts rather than one big thing to share
  • make sure a child is not always left out of games
  • if children have friends over, try to have a friend for each child to play with at the same time
  • teach children to be kind and thoughtful to each other - eg: making cards or presents for birthdays
  • make time to have fun as a family
  • help children find an outlet for their feelings - eg: active play, sport, music or creative activities.

Rules and routines

Have clear, simple family rules and routines that encourage fairness and respect for others

It helps to:

  • let your children help set rules for how people treat each other - eg: ‘We always take turns’, ‘We never hit people or call them names’, ‘We say sorry’.
  • agree what will happen if rules are broken - and be consistent in how you respond
  • be a good role model by following family rules yourself
  • have household routines - eg: who washes the dishes on certain days, where everyone sits for meals.

See Step 2 of the 7 Steps to Safety kit on the Department of Children and Families website.

What to do when there is conflict

Some parents think it’s best to let children work out their own differences but children are not born knowing how to resolve conflict.

If you let children ‘fight it out’, it often means the oldest or strongest child always wins.

This can encourage bullying - and the other child might learn to give in all the time.

Teach your children the skills they need to work things out fairly and reduce fighting. You can:

  • help children calm down before trying to resolve the conflict - it’s hard to reason when you are caught up in strong emotions
  • help each child name their feelings
  • let them know you understand how they feel
  • sit them down and remind them of any family rules about how to treat each other
  • let each child give their view of what happened so they can feel heard - without you taking sides
  • resist the urge to say who you think is right or wrong, or to focus on blame
  • support each child to express themselves to their sibling, saying how they feel and what they would like to see happen - don’t let the other child interrupt
  • help them come up with a solution once they have listened to each other
  • be less involved once your children get better at working things out fairly
  • encourage and praise them when they do well - eg: ‘You both did a good job of working that out fairly’ - it builds their confidence in sorting things out
  • once they have the skills, trust them to sort out their differences on their own - only get involved if they are having trouble, if there is bullying or a child is at risk of harm.

If it’s more than sibling rivalry

If an older child or teenager is abusive or violent it can be an attempt to control and have power over others in the home, including parents.

It’s very important to protect younger or vulnerable children.

Contact a counsellor or a youth mental health service for support - doing this early can help your child get the help they need. 

If there are serious risks to family safety you may need to call the police.

Don’t do this just to scare or shame your child. It will damage your relationship with them.

Parents don’t always report the matter to the police due to shame, guilt or fear of being judged.

While you may be reluctant to involve police, it’s best to keep your family safe and help your child learn that violence is not OK.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get support to deal with rivalry between your children, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Siblings of children with a disability

When your child has a disability, it affects everyone in the family, including brothers and sisters (siblings).

How a child reacts to having a sibling with a disability depends on many things, including:

  • the kind of disability
  • the age of the child
  • the age of the child with the disability
  • how the disability is managed in the family
  • the support that give each child in the family.

Brothers and sisters can have some of the same feelings of loss and grief that parents may have – it’s important that their feelings are heard and understood.

Brothers and sisters and their sibling with a disability can have fun and enjoy being together. They have the chance to learn a lot that will help them be caring, thoughtful young people.

Issues for brothers and sisters

Having a sibling with a disability can provide many challenges for children. These can include:

  • the need for family life to change to allow for any treatment or other needs of the child with a disability
  • effects on family outings and activities
  • missing out on time with parents, and maybe feeling jealous of this
  • siblings fighting between themselves because they know they can’t fight with the child with the disability
  • feeling guilty if they complain when they are expected to take extra care of their sibling
  • being afraid of what the disability means to them – they might not realise that they can’t catch it
  • being embarrassed by their sibling’s behaviour when their friends visit
  • being asked to act as carers to help parents out – they might resent this
  • being worried and upset by their parents’ reactions to the problem – especially if parents are grieving or fighting from the stress
  • feeling pressure to succeed to make up for any limitations their sibling may have.

Things children say about having a sibling with a disability

The following issues are raised by siblings of a child with a disability, with some ideas about what you can do to help.

‘People ask what it is like to have a sibling with autism.’

Help your child learn to answer with something simple but truthful, for example:

  • ‘Normal – I have never known anything different’ or
  • ‘It can be a pain sometimes but so can my other brothers and sisters’ or
  • ‘She is my sister, not just someone with a disability’.

‘I am afraid that when my parents die, he will be my responsibility’

Talk through this issue with your children so you can hear their fears and talk about what can be done to plan ahead.

Make plans for your child with the disability so there isn’t an unfair burden on the other children.

‘I hate asking my friends over to play because my brother always joins in and spoils the game.’

Let the siblings know that they do not always have to include your child with the disability.

Set up a place for your child with the disability to do some special activities when your other children have friends over.

‘I always feel I have to explain to my friends that it is not genetic, it is not part of me and it is not catching.’

Some conditions are genetic and some are not. Give children very clear information about the condition.

Even genetic conditions do not affect everyone in a family, including the brothers and sisters.

Get genetic counselling for brothers and sisters if needed as they grow older.

‘I can never have my party anywhere I want to because she has severe asthma and these places would make her ill.’

Children and young people should be able to have their special occasions with their friends.

Some children have two birthday parties – one for the whole family, and one just for friends.

‘My mum and dad could never watch my sport because they had to care for my sister and she would misbehave.’

Try taking turns to watch the other children’s sport.

If it’s a special match that both parents want to watch it may be possible to take your child with a disability and watch the match from the car.

‘My sister always gets the biggest part of mum’s time and she gets away with everything because she’s got problems.’

It’s important to make time for all your children – even if it means getting respite care or help with caring for your child with the disability.

All children will test limits. It’s not helpful for any child to have unfair exceptions made for their behaviour. Children with a disability will fit in best if they are able to conform to the behaviour that’s expected of other children.

All children need to know that you can only expect what each is capable of – which differs between them.

‘My friends sometimes call people a ‘spastic’ when they want to put them down. My brother is ‘spastic’.’

Children may need help to cope with situations where their friends may not mean to tease.

They could reply by saying what ‘spastic’ (or whatever word is used) means, and that it isn’t fair to tease people who can’t defend themselves.

Bullying is not okay and should not be tolerated. If friends make fun of a child with a disability, their sibling might say something like ‘He does have some problems, but he is really good at...’, or ‘Everyone has some problems. He is my brother and I don’t like it when you tease him.’

‘I am not a person in my own right – I am just Sam’s sister.’

As parents you will need to give a lot of time to your child with the disability, and will want that child to feel special. It’s important that all children in your family feel special.

Make regular special time with each of your other children.

When you talk with friends make sure to talk about the achievements of all your children.

If the care of one child is very demanding, try to get some respite care so you can spend time with your other children.

Make sure that each of your children has your support in following their own special interests.

‘I have to care for my brother a lot when my mum is working because he has cerebral palsy and is in a wheelchair, and I can’t play with my friends.’

Brothers and sisters of a child with a disability sometimes have to carry extra responsibility, and more so in single parent households.

This responsibility can help them to be more independent and have more skills and maturity than other children of their age.

All children need time to be children, so it’s important to make sure they get this time. This might mean you have to get someone else to stand in sometimes.

Some children do not say when they feel overburdened or may feel guilty if they complain. It’s a good idea to check how they’re feeling from time to time.

‘I often feel disappointed, because when my parents plan something for me, something goes wrong for my sister and we all have to go to the hospital.’

If planning is a problem in your family because of the health needs of one of your children, try to work out an ‘in case’ plan... ‘in case’ we can’t go to the concert, ‘in case’ something goes wrong when it‘s your party.

Plans for a special outing can include the help of a special relative or friend so that the celebration doesn’t have to be missed.

‘I am always expected to be the responsible one, to give in when there is an argument.’

It’s not good for children to always get their own way and children and young people with disabilities also need to learn to consider others as well as they can.

Teach your child who has a disability that they can’t always have her own way, and to behave in ways that fit in with the rest of the family. It will make everyone’s life easier, including their own.

What you can do to support your children

Things you can do to support your children include:

  • help brothers and sisters work out how to explain the disability to their friends
  • explain how the disability was caused, because children may worry about it happening to them, or feel they caused the problem in some way
  • give your other children permission to ask questions openly and give them answers so they understand what is happening
  • listen to children’s feelings - try to find some special time for each child in the family
  • allow siblings to be involved - eg: let them help choose clothes for their brother or sister
  • encourage your other children to be proud of their sibling’s achievements and to realise the difficulties she may have had in getting there - let them know you are proud of their achievements as well
  • make sure that your child with the disability doesn’t destroy or damage your other children’s work or belongings - give them a safe place to keep things if this is a problem
  • remember that your other children need to live their own lives and not feel burdened - make plans for the future of your child with a disability
  • ask for help if you need it - so you can make time for all your children.

More information

If you have a child with a disability, you can get information and support for your other children on the following pages:

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Time in: guiding your child's behaviour

A ‘time in’ approach to guiding children’s behaviour involves staying close to your child when they are overwhelmed and having trouble managing their behaviour.

It’s about staying connected with your child while you help them calm down and feel safe.

It does not mean giving in to what they want or rewarding the behaviour you don’t want.

Over time, your child will learn to manage their own feelings and behaviour.

Benefits of time in

Staying with your child during time in helps them to:

  • learn how to calm themselves down
  • manage feelings such as fear, disappointment, frustration, jealousy or anger 
  • learn that while some emotions might not feel good they are nothing to be scared of and can be managed
  • feel safe - they learn that you will not abandon them or punish them when they are having trouble with feelings or behaviour
  • learn how to solve problems when things go wrong.

When your child is out of control

If your child is out of control, stay calm and take charge. Your child needs you to be a wise and kind guide. Let them know you understand how they feel. 

You might say: ‘I can see you feel upset/angry/frustrated because…you really want that toy…want to go outside…want to go to your friend’s house…your feelings are hurt’.

Use holding, rocking and a soothing voice to settle young children. If they don’t want to be touched, stay close so they can come to you for comfort when ready.

Let them know they will soon feel calm again.

After your child has calmed down

When your child has calmed down, reassure them that you love them.

Help them name their feelings. They will feel more in control and have less need to act out their feelings when they have words to say how they feel.

Help them find the feeling that led to their behaviour.

Even though your child may seem angry or frustrated, underneath they may feel powerless, fearful, jealous or disappointed. They will gradually learn to understand all their feelings.

Talk about the behaviour that is expected and help them to understand what happened.

Keep the reasons short and simple. You might say: ‘I know you want to play with your brother’s truck but it’s not OK to hit him’.

You should:

  • tell and show your child what they can do next time - help them learn the words they need to ask for what they want
  • not shame or make fun of your child, or tell them they are silly or naughty - it can hurt them and have an ongoing impact
  • be patient - young children need lots of practice to learn what is expected of them.

Create a calm space in your home

Create a calm space in your home where children and adults can go to feel calm and relaxed.

Don’t call it 'time in' because your child may see it as where they go when they are bad.

Ask your child what they would like to have there to help them feel calm, like soft toys, books, bean bags or blankets.

Get in early if you see your child getting upset and suggest you both go there.

You could say: ‘I can see you’re upset because you want to play outside. Let’s go to the calm space and work out what you can do until the rain stops’.

Time out

‘Time out’ is when an upset child is removed from a situation and sent or taken to a place to sit alone. They are left to calm down and think about what they’ve done wrong, and to change their behaviour.

Why time out is not helpful

Time out assumes your child already knows the right way to do things and can work out on their own what you want. 

Young children do not have the skills to understand what causes their behaviour or to work out problems on their own.

Time out does not teach your child what to do. It only teaches them what not to do, and does not help your child learn to manage strong feelings and out-of-control behaviour.

Time out might trigger a child's fear of being left alone. They can feel abandoned and forget why they are there.

Time out can send a message that big feelings are bad. Your child might push down upset feelings so they can leave time out, rather than learn to manage their feelings. 

These feelings may show up in other ways, with your child becoming: 

  • rebellious
  • defiant
  • withdrawn
  • anxious.

They may also show signs of stress like stomach pains and sleeping problems.

Time out can encourage battles because your child feels a sense of injustice at being sent away.

Even older children can feel angry or hurt when sent to time out. They may not be able to think about how to do better.

Getting help

When upsets happen, the most important thing is to make sure your child is safe.

If you feel angry, you might need to take some deep breaths or step away for a moment until you are calm.

If your child’s behaviour pushes your buttons a lot you may need to talk with a doctor or counsellor.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get help to manage your child's behaviour, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Understanding your baby

Babies grow and learn faster than they do at any other stage of life so it will probably feel like your baby is constantly changing.

Understanding how your newborn will develop will make it easier for you to care for them.

It’s important to remember every baby is different, even in the same family. If you are worried about your baby’s development speak to your doctor or a community nurse.

Your baby’s feelings and brain

In the first months of life your baby is in a very new world.

They need to learn that this world is safe and there are people who will look after them.

They learn this when you give them food, comfort, warmth, smiles and cuddles.

They learn to love you and trust you. They also learn that they are lovable.

Your baby’s brain is growing faster now than at any other time of life. Billions of cells are expanding, connecting and building pathways to thousands of others.

Their brain wiring is being laid down for the future. What they experience every day causes connections and pathways to develop.

Your baby’s relationships

Your baby will grow and develop best if they have just a few people they are very close to in the first year.

This is called ‘attachment’ or ‘bonding’.

When your baby feels loved and connected to others in this way and has opportunities to be curious and explore, it helps them to:

  • learn how to respond and what to expect in future relationships
  • develop confidence, emotional control and the skills to get along with others
  • learn how to cope with stress
  • feel loved and learn to love you
  • make the most of learning during the school years.

Your baby’s signals

Your baby will communicate in their own special way from birth.

They will give little signals and cries to show their feelings and needs. These can be small and subtle or quite obvious.

When your baby feels good they might:

  • make eye contact
  • make little noises
  • smile
  • copy your gestures
  • look relaxed and interested.

To show they need a break or a different approach your baby might:

  • look away
  • shut their eyes
  • struggle or pull away
  • yawn
  • look tense and unsettled
  • cry.

When you respond to your baby’s signals you are building your bond with them. It lets them know they have been heard.

It’s the start of two-way communication and learning to talk.

Why babies cry

Crying is important for babies. It’s how they let you know they need something.

Your baby might cry because they:

  • are hungry, thirsty, too hot or cold
  • are frightened, bored or lonely
  • need a cuddle or closeness with you
  • need a nappy change
  • feel unwell or have pain - eg: stomach ache or earache.

Responding to your baby

It is important to respond quickly and warmly when your baby is upset. This will help them to:

  • learn to feel safe and secure and to trust you
  • settle better and cry less in the long run - when you soothe and comfort your baby they get better at soothing themselves
  • learn that the world is safe, and that they can relax and learn their best - no one can learn when they are stressed, afraid or crying.

You may have to try a few things until you work out what your baby needs. You could try:

  • holding them close if they are frightened or lonely
  • holding them upright against your shoulder if they are uncomfortable
  • rocking them in your arms or in a pram
  • finding out what they like - eg: a dummy, soft music or a ticking clock.

As you get to know your baby you will learn what helps them and what doesn’t.

You can’t ‘spoil’ your baby by going to them when they cry - but you can harm them by not responding to their needs.

If you are worried, call Parentline on 1300 30 1300, Health Direct on 1800 022 222 or see your doctor or a community nurse.

What your baby can do

Right from the start most babies can:

  • feel, see, hear, taste and smell
  • suck to feed
  • move their arms and legs - but not yet control them
  • notice and react to the tone of your voice and the gentleness of your touch.

Seeing

Most babies can see quite well at birth, especially things that are close. They can see:

  • your face - and will soon recognise you
  • things that are further away - but they will be blurry until they are a little older
  • different colours.

In the first few weeks a baby’s eyes often cross or wander in different directions.

By three months their eyes should be lined up so they both look at the same object.

If you are concerned, talk with a community nurse or your doctor.

Hearing

Most babies can hear well before birth and may recognise familiar voices, especially their mother’s.

They can be calmed by soft noises and usually startled by sudden, loud noises.

Your baby’s hearing will usually be checked at the hospital soon after birth.

Smell and taste

Babies can recognise different tastes such as salty, sweet, sour and bitter, and react to unpleasant tastes, such as some medicines.

They do not need salt or sugar on their foods when starting solids. They learn to like the tastes they are given.

Touch

Babies are sensitive to touch and can feel pain. Gentle, caring touch is very important for your baby to feel loved and cared for.

Your baby might enjoy gentle stroking or a soft massage.

Reflexes

Most of a newborn baby’s movements are random and they are not able to control them at first.

These are called reflexes and will reduce as your baby develops.

Startle reflex

Baby’s arms stretch out, their back arches and head goes back.

Grasp reflex

Baby grips things put onto the palm of their hand, such as your finger.

Rooting reflex 

Baby turns towards and sucks on something that touches their face.

Sucking on things that are put into their mouth

Babies need to suck to survive - many babies find it soothing.

Tongue thrust reflex

Babies push things out of their mouth with their tongue, especially when starting solid foods.

It doesn’t mean they don’t like the food. They need to learn to control their tongue.

Read more about what to expect during your baby's development in Milestones: birth to four years.

Separation anxiety

From about six months your baby can remember you when you are not there. They may cry because they want you.

This is called separation anxiety. It is a normal part of learning that they are a separate person.

Often babies will wake at night or be harder to put to bed because they miss you and don’t yet understand you always come back.

You can help your baby develop trust in you by:

  • always letting them know when you are leaving - wave goodbye and let them know when you are back
  • playing games such as peek-a-boo to help them get used to your going and coming
  • leaving them only with people they know well and feel safe with.

What you can do to help your baby develop

It is important to think of your baby as a unique person with their own likes and dislikes.

Be warm and responsive as you work out what they need.

They grow quickly, so be flexible and change your routines as their needs change.

Talking and listening

Look into your baby’s eyes, smile and talk to them gently from birth. They will notice the tone of your voice.

Talk to them. Tell them what you are doing and name things they are looking at. This helps them learn that sounds make words and have meaning.

Say what will happen next - that you’re going to change their nappy, feed them or put them to bed. This helps them feel safe and secure and learn what to expect.

Use the same words every time - eg: ‘I’m going to pick you up now ’ or ‘Here we go’. Don’t just pick them up without warning.

Listen to your baby’s little noises and copy them back - it’s the start of learning to talk. 

Sharing books

From birth, share a book with your baby for a few minutes each day.

Looking at bright pictures and hearing your words can be a special time for closeness, safety, seeing, hearing and learning about sounds and what they mean.

Babies learn that books, reading and stories are enjoyable.

Playing

Playing is how babies learn. Enjoy spending time with your baby when they are awake - they love your company.

Give them lots of chances to be curious and explore. They might enjoy:

  • different things to look at and touch
  • a walk outside to look at leaves or grasses moving
  • things they can hit or push that make a noise
  • copying games - your baby pokes their tongue out and you do it back, leaving plenty of time for them to take their turn
  • simple songs and rhymes while you rock or gently jiggle them
  • tummy time on the floor each day from birth helps develop muscles for crawling and head control - never leave them alone on their stomach.

Don’t:

  • play rough games such as throwing your baby up in the air, lifting or pulling them by an arm - this could harm them
  • overwhelm them - if they yawn or look away they may be saying they need a rest.

Sleep

Managing sleep is a common concern for parents. It can help to know that each baby’s sleep is different, even in the same family. Sleep needs change quickly.

Newborn babies

Babies in the first weeks sleep much of the day and night. Most wake every two or three hours needing a feed and attention. Many sleep 14 to 20 hours a day.

Older babies

By three months many babies are awake longer during the day and may sleep longer at night. Most babies of this age still need one or two night feeds. 

When a baby sleeps about five hours straight, this is considered ‘sleeping through the night’.

What you can do to help your baby settle

Have a relaxing bedtime routine to help your baby settle. This might include:

  • a bath
  • a feed
  • a song
  • a story
  • a goodnight kiss
  • special soft words.

Some babies settle best in a quiet, dark place. Others prefer noisier, lighter places.

Notice your baby's tired signals

They might yawn, cry, rub their eyes or have random jerky movements. This is the time to put them to bed.

A tired newborn can often be put in their cot while awake and fall asleep on their own.

Wrapping

Some babies settle better if wrapped in a light cotton cloth - others do not. 

Make sure the wrapping is firm, but not too tight so babies can still bend their knees. Make sure they are not too hot. 

When babies can roll it is time to stop wrapping them, as there is a chance they could roll on to their face and suffocate.

Sleep safety

Always sleep your baby on their back - never their tummy or side. This helps prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).

Sleep your baby in a cot next to your bed for the first six to twelve months.

Do not have them sleep with you as they may be rolled on or get tangled in bedding and suffocate.

Use a cot that meets Australian standards. Do not use doonas, pillows, bumpers or put soft toys or other objects in the cot.

Keep the cot away from curtain or blind cords and keep pets away.

Do not expose babies to tobacco smoke.

Baby safety

Protect your baby from being frightened. Don’t shout, play loud music near them or make sudden loud noises.

Never shake your baby. This can cause brain damage and some children die.

If you feel upset or angry, take a short break until you calm down. Make sure your baby is safe first.

In and around the home

Check your house for safety.

Keep your baby away from power points, curtain cords, things that could fall on them and poisons such as cigarettes, medicines and cleaning products.

Never leave your baby alone in the bath - they can drown in only a few centimetres of water.

Keep them away from pools, ponds, dams, troughs and buckets of water such as those left out for pets.

Protect them from pets - put up barriers if you need to. Never leave them alone together.   

Never leave your baby alone on a change table or similar surface. They can easily fall.

Baby capsules and restraints

Use a rear-facing baby capsule in the car and make sure you have the correct restraint as they grow. 

It’s against the law to smoke in a car with children under 16 years.

Getting support

As a parent it’s normal to have lots of different feelings, or to feel overwhelmed at times. 

It can help to:

  • talk to other parents, family, friends, your doctor or a community nurse
  • find out about babies so you know what to expect
  • take time to enjoy special moments with your baby
  • make time to spend with your partner or do other special things you enjoy
  • notice and feel proud of what you achieve each day - even small things
  • join a parent group or baby play group - your baby will love it and it can help to share ideas with others.

All parents need help at times. Don’t be afraid to ask trusted family or friends to lend a hand.

Even someone washing the dishes can help.

Take your baby to a remote health clinic or public health clinic.

The nurses can answer your questions and support you with your parenting.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get support to help understand and respond to your baby, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Young people and parties

Parties and socialising with peers are a fun way for young people to learn personal and social skills they need as they become adults.

Parties can be an opportunity for young people to:

  • strengthen friendships and be accepted by a peer group
  • make new friends
  • show off friends to family
  • learn the skills of planning and entertaining
  • celebrate milestones in growing up.

They can also give parents an opportunity to see their child growing up and socialising.

Hosting a party: your legal responsibilities

If you are hosting a party for your son or daughter it is important to know your legal responsibilities.

As the host you have a duty of care to all your guests, whether the party is in your home or at another venue.

You are responsible for ensuring everyone's safety.

If there is an injury or any property damage due to your lack of supervision, you may be considered negligent under the law.

Underage guests and alcohol

You have extra responsibility to supervise guests under eighteen years, especially if there will be alcohol.

You should let parents of underage guests know if alcohol will be served.

If you're having your party at a licensed premises, for example a pub or a club, it is illegal for anyone under the age of 18 to drink or even carry alcohol.

In a private home, it is legal for a person under 18 years to drink alcohol. However, it can only be served by a parent or guardian and under responsible supervision.

Party planning

Plan the party with your son or daughter and agree on the ground rules before the party is announced.

It can help to make a list of all the things you agree on. These could include:

  • how much will be spent on the party
  • who will pay for what
  • how many friends will come
  • whether invitations will be sent by phone, mail or in person - discourage sending invitations by social media or text message as they could be passed on to others
  • how the music will be managed and what time it will be turned off
  • what food will be served
  • what activities you will have - a pool table, jukebox, dancing, karaoke, games or competitions can take the focus off drinking
  • whether smoking will be allowed, and if so, where
  • whether to have alcohol, how to control the amount, and the things you need to do as the adult responsible for party safety
  • what to do if someone gets sick or drunk
  • what you will do if drugs are used
  • any rooms in the house that will be off limits
  • how guests will get home - this is especially important for people living in country areas
  • who will set up for the party and clean up afterwards - expect your son or daughter to help
  • who will make the ground rules known to the guests, and how this will be done.

It also helps to:

  • check with police about noise regulations
  • put someone in charge of the sound and keep within the acceptable volume level
  • let guests know the party is invitation-only
  • register the party with police 
  • let neighbours know about the party
  • have a plan for dealing with gate crashers - some parents hire a person from a security company with skills in managing crowds and uninvited guests
  • make sure the venue is suitable for the number of guests - check there is enough space, lighting and toilet facilities
  • check the extent of your insurance coverage
  • get parents’ phone numbers in case you need to contact them
  • have spare bedding ready.

During the party

Keep the party venue safe and secure by:

  • having only one entrance and exit
  • making sure your driveway is kept clear in case you need emergency access
  • having a list of invited guests at the door or requiring people to show their invitation
  • keeping an eye on what’s happening by wandering around the party and ensuring guests are safe - don’t just stay in the kitchen
  • checking on areas of the house that are ‘restricted’
  • checking the garden and boundaries, ensuring gates and side entries remain secure
  • not allowing guest ‘pass-outs’, and ensuring guests stay on the property and don’t gather in the street - you are still responsible for guests around the party vicinity.

Have other responsible adults at the party who:

  • are willing to not drink and help supervise
  • know how to calmly deal with difficult situations
  • have access to a first aid kit and mobile phone and know what to do in an emergency.

If you don’t allow alcohol

Be prepared to act if you find some young people drinking.

Remove the alcohol and tell them you will take care of it while they are in your home.

If you do allow alcohol

Make this clear to parents beforehand.

Ensure young people under 18 years don’t take alcohol from the party to drink somewhere else.

If you know they’re doing this you could be held responsible if anything happens. 

While they can legally consume alcohol on private premises it is against the law for them to drink alcohol in any public place.

This includes on the footpath, near their cars or in a nearby park, unless they are with their parent or guardian.

Make sure food is easily accessible throughout the party. Remember that salty nuts, chips and crackers make people thirsty.

Consider having a ‘chill’ part of the house in case someone needs space. Check on them to make sure they are OK.

You can help control how much alcohol is consumed by:

  • considering providing alcohol yourself rather than letting guests bring their own
  • have a responsible adult serve alcohol away from where people are gathering
  • use small plastic drinking glasses and discourage stubbies and cans
  • don't let people top up drinks - this makes it harder to track alcohol consumption
  • don't allow drinking games
  • only provide light alcohol options
  • serve alternatives to alcohol like water, soft drinks and juice
  • stop serving someone who is drunk - remain calm and polite to avoid arguments.

Getting guests home

Suggest drivers give you their keys when they arrive. Remember, it is against the law for a person on P plates to have any alcohol in their system if driving.

Stop serving alcohol, turn lights up and music down half an hour before the party is due to end so guests can leave at the agreed time.

When your teenager goes to a party

When your teen gets invited to a party, it might be helpful to do the following:

  • speak to the parents beforehand to check who will be supervising the party
  • ask for a contact number for the house
  • ask if there will be alcohol and be clear about whether it is OK for your teen to drink or not
  • decide on transport arrangements to and from the party
  • have a back-up plan if your teen wants to leave early
  • make sure they can contact you during the party if needed
  • ask the parents the average age of the people at the party
  • discuss what time you expect them home and be clear about the consequences if this doesn’t happen.

If you are concerned, go to the door when you drop your teen off or pick them up.

If you don’t think the party is suitable for them to attend, be calm and clear about your reasons.

Their safety and wellbeing is your responsibility.

Schoolies festivals

Finishing high school is a big milestone for many young Territorians. 

Parents often worry about whether to let their son or daughter attend a school leavers’ celebration because of negative images in the media. 

It is also common for young Territorians to want to travel to Bali or to the Gold Coast in Queensland to join the Schoolies festivities, and this can be concerning for parents.

If you decide it is OK for your teen to attend a Schoolies festival, it is important to plan early before they make arrangements with friends. 

Open communication that includes the expectations you both have is a good place to start.

From there you can work out together how they can have fun while keeping safe. It helps to agree on:

  • who they will go with
  • how they will get there and back - and who will pay for it
  • where they will stay
  • what they will do while there
  • how they will pay for things while they’re there
  • how they will keep themselves safe
  • their back-up strategies if things don’t work out as planned
  • what they will do in an emergency
  • how they will keep in contact with you.

Some families organise for one parent to fly with the young people travelling together and then stay at a different venue.

More information

If you need to contact the police you can call them on:

  • triple zero (000) for emergencies
  • or 131 444 for non-urgent police attendance. 

You can get more information and resources to help young people party safely on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Young people who are gay, lesbian or bisexual

During their teenage years, young people are working out who they are, and dealing with relationships and sexuality.

For some, working out their feelings towards others and whether they are gay, lesbian or bisexual might be an extra pressure to deal with.

All children and young people want to feel accepted and that they belong regardless of their sexuality.

It is important that parents help them work things out in a safe and supportive environment where they feel valued and loved for who they are.

This page focuses on young people who are lesbian, gay or bisexual. The term ‘same-sex attracted’ is used to refer to all of these.

Transgender or intersex matters are not discussed, as the issues can be quite different.

Moving from childhood into adolescence is a time of great change for young people and their families.

Changes in the brain and hormones bring about many physical, sexual and emotional changes.

Exploring sexuality and how they feel about others is one of the things young people work out during this time.

It is important to know that:

  • if your child tells you they’re same-sex attracted it is likely they've thought about it for a long time - some say they have known all their lives
  • in the teenage years, your child might work out what they are going to do about it - or they might struggle with fear and confusion before they are even able to admit it to themselves
  • if they are not yet sure, your child may not tell you they are same-sex attracted because they might think you will reject them.

Each parent has their own way of reacting when their child discusses their sexuality or ‘comes out’ as same-sex attracted.

For some it is ‘no big deal’. It is just a part of who their child is.

Some parents may:

  • have wondered about it and be pleased they can now talk openly
  • need time to adjust, but are happy their child trusts them enough to share this part of themselves
  • feel shocked, confused, disappointed, guilty or angry - it may challenge their values and beliefs, especially some religious or cultural beliefs
  • feel embarrassed and anxious about the reactions of family members or friends
  • feel the hopes and dreams they held for their child are now lost
  • choose not to accept their child’s sexual or gender identity - which can lead to a break in family relationships that is hurtful for everyone.

Many parents realise their child can live a full life no different from their other children, including having a successful career, a committed relationship and children if that is what they want.

You may feel hurt, angry or guilty because your child didn’t tell you earlier.

It is important to realise:

  • your child probably couldn’t have told you any sooner - they may have picked up on negative attitudes, been harassed or bullied, rejected by their friends or seen this happen to others
  • your rejection might be too much to risk - it says something about your relationship that they’ve shared this with you now
  • it shows they want to be honest with you and include you in all parts of their life
  • sometimes children tell their parents in an angry or accusing way because they’re stressed and anxious about the reaction
  • to tell a parent you’re lesbian, gay or bisexual takes great courage - once said, it can’t be taken back and may worry they will lose your love.

While having a same-sex attracted child can seem daunting at first, many parents find great acceptance and support in the community.

Life may be different but it can be just as full of the many joys of parenting.

The following terms can help you understand your teenager's sexuality.

Bisexual

A person attracted to more than one gender, though not always equally.

Coming out

Telling others you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or intersex (LGBTQI). This is a life-long process, not a single event.

Gay

Often used to describe a male attracted to other males, but can be anyone attracted to the same sex.

Gender identity

The gender a person identifies with - usually male or female but can be both, or neither.

Heterosexual, straight

Someone attracted to the opposite sex.

Homosexual, same-sex attracted

A person attracted to people of the same sex.

In the closet

Hiding sexual or gender identity for fear of negative reaction, rejection or harassment.

Intersex

A person born with reproductive organs and sometimes sex chromosomes that are not exclusively male or female.

Lesbian

A female who is attracted to other women.

LGBTQI

An acronym for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or intersex.

Queer

A broad term for people who don’t identify as heterosexual or with their birth gender, but don’t want to adopt the label of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

Sexual identity

An integral part of who we are, what we believe, how we feel and how we respond to others.

Sexual orientation

A person’s emotional, physical and sexual attraction to others.

When your child tells you they are same-sex attracted, the most important thing is to make sure they know you love them.

Tell them you’re proud they trust you enough to be honest with you. It also helps to take the following actions.

Keep an open heart and mind

Be willing to listen, even if you feel uncomfortable. It may be hard to hear what they say but it is also hard for them to tell you.

Not react if you have strong negative feelings

Let your child know you need time to think. Agree to talk again later.

When you are ready, share your thoughts and concerns with them.

The more open you are, the easier it will be for both of you.

Have many conversations over time

This is a journey for both of you. Be patient with yourself and others.

It can take time to deal with the many fears and myths that society has about same-sex attracted people.

Find out more

This will help you understand what is happening for your child and give you things to discuss with them.

Get support from people who understand what you are going through

Take care of your physical and emotional needs by letting others be there for you. Some parents focus on their child’s needs and neglect their own.

You may wonder the following about your child:

  • are they rebelling?
  • are they trying to hurt you?
  • are they influenced by others?
  • can it be changed or ‘cured’ by a doctor or psychiatrist?

It is important to know that:

  • there have been many studies to find out what causes people to be same-sex attracted but there is no clear answer
  • throughout history there have always been homosexual people whether or not it was accepted by society at the time
  • it is now widely accepted by the medical and psychological professions as a variation of human sexuality and not something that needs to be treated or changed
  • efforts by the health professions to change people in the past have never been successful and usually leave the person feeling depressed and sometimes suicidal
  • our sexual orientation is what feels right and ‘normal’ for us even if it is different from how others express these things
  • just as a heterosexual person doesn’t choose to be ‘straight’, neither does a person who identifies as lesbian, gay or bisexual
  • with the prejudice and discrimination that can come with being same-sex attracted, most people wouldn’t be on this path if it didn’t feel right for them.

You may wonder if you did something ‘wrong’ and are ‘to blame’ for your child’s sexuality. It is important to remember:

  • there is no evidence that parenting styles or family situations determine sexuality
  • if it was about parenting style then other children in the family would be same-sex attracted as well.

Studies show that when a parent is supportive it can make their child’s ‘coming out’ a lot easier and help them to be confident and resilient.

They are likely to have better physical and mental health, now and in the future.

It can strengthen your relationship if you find out what is happening for your child and how you can support them, just as you would with any other issue.

You could ask them:

  • how they are feeling
  • what it’s like for them to talk about it
  • who else they have told and what sort of reaction they got
  • what support they need - they might be confident about their sexuality, or anxious and worried.

Children who are rejected by their parents have higher rates of mental and physical health problems including risk-taking behaviour, drug use, self-harm, depression and suicide attempts.

They are also at higher risk of homelessness if parents tell them to leave, or the stress and conflict becomes too great and they move out without support.

Everyone handles telling others in their own way - your child might not want to tell anyone else, or they may be happy for everyone to know.

If they decide to tell others, it can take time as they will have many different relationships in their life.

They may want you to tell other family members, or they might want to do it themselves.

It is important to respect their wishes. They need to feel safe about their choice to tell or not, and that others won’t take away their right to privacy.

Many people assume everyone is heterosexual - every day your child might have to decide how to answer questions about their personal life.

Community attitudes have changed over time to become more accepting and respectful of same-sex attracted people.

There are laws to protect same-sex attracted people from harassment and discrimination.

In Australia, same-sex couples in a domestic relationship now have mostly the same rights and obligations as heterosexual couples.

Laws about adopting children and access to assisted reproduction methods such as in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) vary across states and territories.

Negative community attitudes, stereotypes, prejudice, rejection, discrimination and bullying make life hard for same-sex attracted people.

Young people who are same-sex attracted, or are thought to be by others, are significantly more likely to be bullied or abused at school, work and in social situations.

Homophobic bullying in schools has increased over time, with bullying through social media (like Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram) and text messaging making it easier to involve many people.

If your child tells you about bullying, act early. Let them know it is your job to make sure they are safe.

You can help by creating a safe home - where everyone feels respected and that they belong, regardless of sexuality, by:

  • speaking respectfully about sexual diversity from when children are young
  • balancing negative comments with positive messages - even flippant sayings like ‘it’s so gay’ can send a negative message about being same-sex attracted, we don’t say things like ‘it’s so straight’
  • fostering acceptance by showing your family and friends you respect your child - don’t allow homophobic talk or behaviour
  • teaching that prejudice is about stereotypes and myths and nothing to do with who people really are
  • helping children think about what they can do if they experience bullying or discrimination - help them build resilience and confidence
  • making sure children have information that keeps them safe in both the online and offline worlds.

Getting support

It is important to be around people who support you and your child. You could:

  • contact a service or support group - many parents have been through the same thing and can offer words of wisdom and support
  • consider whether you want to spend time with any friends, social groups, clubs or other organisations that are not respectful or supportive.

More information

You can find out more or get support on the following pages:

If your child is lesbian, gay, bisexual or gender diverse, or is questioning their sexual or gender identity, you can read the Families like mine guide for parents and families on the beyondblue website.

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Your child and sleep disturbances

Many children’s sleep is disturbed by nightmares, night terrors or sleepwalking. While these can frighten children and worry parents, children usually grow out of them.

Why sleep disturbances happen

There is often no clear reason why sleep disturbances happen.

They are more likely to occur if children are stressed, unwell or not getting enough sleep.

They are not linked to any emotional or mental health problems now or later in life.

It’s important to comfort children if they are afraid and to make sure they are safe.

If sleep disturbances keep happening or you are worried, talk with your doctor.

Nightmares

Nightmares are bad dreams that can upset and frighten children.

They can be about imaginary things such as monsters or something real in your child’s life. 

Young children can wake up thinking something bad has happened. As they get older they understand that dreams are not real.

Nightmares can be linked with worries and fears. They happen more often after a traumatic event or when a child is stressed, unwell, taking medication or not getting enough sleep.

If your child wakes from a nightmare you can try the following things:

  • comfort them and help them feel safe
  • stay with them until they go back to sleep
  • leave their bedroom door open or put a night-light on
  • give them a gentle massage
  • cuddle them, sing a song or play some gentle music
  • talk with them calmly about the nightmare for a short time.

How to prevent nightmares

To prevent nightmares, it can help to:

  • reduce daytime stress - eg: if toilet training, try putting it off for a while
  • avoid TV, computers and video games before  bed, especially any that could cause them to feel stressed or excited
  • have a relaxing bedtime routine - eg: a bath, a quiet story, a song and a goodnight kiss
  • try getting your child to relax and think of a happy, safe place while they go to sleep
  • try using your child’s imagination - ask them to draw what is scaring them and then screw it up and throw it away - this can give a sense of power over fears
  • talk during the daytime about any recurring nightmares your child is having - help them come up with a better ending.

Dreams help people deal with their worries. As children become more confident in dealing with problems, they tend to have fewer nightmares.

Night terrors

Night terrors are when a child becomes very agitated during deep sleep.

Children usually experience night terrors between the ages of 18 months and six years. They might scare you, but they don’t harm or scare your child.

If your child has night terrors, they might:

  • scream suddenly or cry and look pale and scared
  • kick and thrash about
  • call for you but not ‘see’ you - and cannot be comforted
  • breathe heavily, perspire and stare with wide-open eyes.

Night terrors can last for a few minutes or up to 20 minutes.

A child having a night terror is not dreaming. They are also not awake. In the morning they will not remember what happened.

What to do if your child has night terrors

If your child has night terrors:

  • don’t wake them - they may be confused and take longer to settle
  • stay with them even if they don’t let you comfort them  
  • make sure they are safe and guide them back to bed if needed
  • don’t talk about it the next day - they will not remember what happened
  • make sure they go to the toilet before bed
  • make sure they get enough sleep and have a relaxing bedtime routine.

If the night terror happens around the same time each night, try waking your child briefly about 10-15 minutes before that time and then settle them back to sleep.

Sleepwalking

Sleepwalking is when your child walks or performs simple tasks while asleep.

It can start when children are between three and seven years old.

They will sleepwalk less as they get older.

Children have no control over what they do when they sleepwalk and can hurt themselves.

If your child sleepwalks:

  • don’t wake them - it can upset them
  • stay calm and guide them back to bed
  • make sure they are safe
  • lock doors and windows, put barriers across stairs, and place heaters, electric cords and any other dangerous objects out of the way
  • tie a bell to their bedroom door to alert you if they get up
  • let them know it’s not a sign of any problem or illness.

Sleep starts

Sleep starts or jerks are sudden, usually single jerks of the arms, legs or whole body at the beginning of sleep.

These are common in people of all ages and the causes are not known.

Sleep talking

Sleep talking is common.  It is more likely if children are excited or worried about something.

What they say may be clear or unclear and they might sit up when talking. They are not likely to remember the next day.

Try talking with them about their worries during the day.

Sleep talking can keep others awake - you might have to change where your children sleep.

Teeth grinding

Young children from about 10 months can grind their teeth. It usually doesn’t cause any damage.

Older children can put pressure on their teeth by clenching their jaw.

This can cause damage to the teeth, sore cheek muscles or headaches. Talk to your dentist if you are worried.

More information

For additional resources and support go to support services for parents, families and youth.

Find out more, including where you can get help to deal with your child's sleep disturbances, on the following pages: 

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Your rights as a parent

Rights and responsibilities are important - we all have them.

For parents, there is no one law that sets out all the rights and duties you have in relation to bringing up your children.

Some of the laws dealing with your responsibilities include:

  • Education Act
  • Family Law Act
  • Care and Protection of Children Act.

These laws mostly let you bring up your children in the way that you would like, without interference and according to your values and beliefs.

This means that you have the right and responsibility to make decisions about religion, schooling, discipline, medical treatment and where your child lives.

These decisions will not be interfered with unless your child’s safety and wellbeing are at risk.

Your duties as a parent

As a parent, you have a duty to:

  • protect your child from harm
  • provide your child with food, clothing and a place to live
  • financially support your child
  • provide safety, supervision and control
  • provide medical care
  • provide an education.

It’s important that children understand you have responsibilities as their parent.

Setting boundaries for their safety is your responsibility and a part of caring for them.

A child in the Northern Territory (NT) is a person under 18 years.

When children challenge

Children’s rights include the right to:

  • be safe
  • be educated
  • have medical care
  • be protected against cruelty and abuse.

Sometimes when a child or teenager talks about their rights, it can be more about wanting to get their own way, or testing limits.

They may have heard about rights at school, in the media, from their friends or in class discussions about human rights. 

Sometimes they can test out these words when they are upset, or not getting what they want.

There are a few things to think about:

  • children wanting their own way or testing limits is not about rights
  • as a parent you have the right to set reasonable limits
  • it’s important to stay strong when children challenge you in your authority to set limits for their wellbeing
  • for young people, challenging their parents is a normal part of growing up
  • parents need to relax their control as children mature in order to help them prepare for adulthood
  • you can help your child learn how to negotiate and take responsibility for their decisions
  • when your children challenge you, it is important to know why they are doing so, what your responsibilities are as a parent, and how you can deal with the situation.

What you might feel

Young people can sometimes be very persistent and demanding about their rights and parents can feel worn down when they hear comments like ‘It’s my right ... and you can’t stop me’.

Parents may be upset and commonly feel:

  • angry that there’s even been a discussion about children’s rights
  • that their authority has been threatened
  • they have no control and are powerless
  • that organisations or agencies are on their child’s side and not interested in their views
  • unsure where they stand because they don’t know if what their child is saying is right or wrong.

These feelings may be even stronger if you are struggling with other issues or stresses at the same time.

What you can do

Conflict between parents and children can be over things such as children wanting more freedom, wanting to go out at night or stay out late.

It can be about their friends, sexual relationships, their use of alcohol or drugs or clashes as children develop their own points of view.

There are lots of ways to handle conflict. Read below for some things that might help.

Take the opportunity to build a healthy relationship

Sometimes you might decide that the issue is not important enough to argue about, and that your relationship with your child is more important.

However, you might also decide to use the issue to practice expressing different points of view.

Having a relationship where children can do this without being scared is a good and healthy one, and helps children develop skills for life.

Stay calm

When there is conflict you might feel upset or angry.

Take a deep breath and calm down before you react.

Make a time to talk about it with your child later, when you are not feeling upset or angry, or don’t have other pressures on you.

When the time’s right, talk with your child

Remember to make the time to talk.

The aim is to be able to have a conversation where you and your child can equally and seriously share ideas and views without emotions taking over.

Show interest in what your child is saying even if you strongly disagree.

Make an agreement

Agree that each person can have a say without being interrupted.

This means you can both feel that you are being heard and taken seriously, and you are more likely to be open to ideas and solutions.

 Don’t interrupt or ‘lecture’ your child - it can stop them wanting to listen and get in the way of good communication.

Find out how and where your child got the information

It can help to know how your child got information or formed their view.

For example, have they seen something on TV? Has there been a class discussion about human rights?

Decide if you can let the issue go

Be clear in your own mind about how important the issue really is.

Will your child be harmed if they do or have what they want? 

Do they just want to test the limits with this argument to show independence - a normal part of growing up?

Is your own frustration and determination to be ‘right’ making the situation worse?

Parents can feel that if they ‘give in’ they have lost some control.

Weigh up all the information and be prepared to ‘let go’ on matters that are not so important and remain firm on those that really count. 

Try to reach a shared agreement.

If there is violence

Sometimes angry feelings can become violent actions.

This is not OK either from parents or the young person and not a helpful way to deal with the issues.

Violence can be physical acts or verbal threats or name-calling. Call the police if there is immediate danger.

Getting help

When things are calmer, seek support to sort out issues and reduce the tension.

Managing conflict is a skill everyone needs to learn and practice, but sometimes it helps to have an independent person do this with you.

It can stop the situation from getting worse.

You can get more information and support regarding your rights and responsibilities as a parent on the following pages:

Copyright

This information was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Surrogacy

Surrogacy is when someone becomes pregnant and gives birth for someone else.

A surrogacy arrangement is made between the surrogate and the intended parents.

In a surrogacy arrangement, the:

  • surrogate is the person who agrees to give birth to the child
  • intended parent or parents are the person or couple who will become the child’s parents.

Surrogacy in the NT

The Surrogacy Act 2022 regulates surrogacy arrangements in the Northern Territory.

Only non-profit surrogacy is legal in the NT.

Under the Act:

  • you can:
    • enter into a non-commercial surrogacy arrangement
    • reimburse the birth mother's reasonable surrogacy costs.
  • you can't:
    • pay someone to be a surrogate
    • be paid a fee for arranging surrogacy.

The best interests of the child are most important when making a surrogacy arrangement.  This includes the child’s safety, wellbeing and the right to know their origins.

Who can enter a surrogacy arrangement

There are rules around who can enter a surrogacy arrangement.

Surrogates and intended parents must be:

  • Australian citizens or permanent residents
  • aged 25 or over.

Exceptions may be allowed to these rules.

Find out more about who can become:

How to enter a surrogacy arrangement

Surrogacy arrangements are financially, legally and emotionally complex.

To enter an arrangement and transfer parentage, follow these steps:

Step 1. Get legal advice

The surrogate and intended parent/s must get independent legal advice to understand their rights and responsibilities. This must happen before any arrangement is made.

A legally certified surrogacy arrangement should be in place before the surrogate becomes pregnant. Other than agreement of reasonable costs, no other part of the agreement is enforceable.

Legal practitioners must be independent and should not be part of any business providing fertility services.

The legal advice will cover:

  • only reasonable costs being legalised in the arrangement
  • agreement on reasonable costs not covered under Medicare or insurance
  • the surrogate mother not giving the child to the intended parent/s
  • all or some parties not wanting responsibility for the child
  • the parentage order
  • the child’s right to information on their parentage.

The legal advice must be written and certified as a surrogacy arrangement. The arrangement will confirm:

  • legal qualifications of the practitioner
  • names of parties
  • dates of advice given
  • matters listed in the Act under 'legal advice'
  • evidence that parties understand the arrangement.

Step 2. Get counselling

The surrogate and intended parent/s must get counselling before they enter a surrogacy arrangement.

Both parties must have at least 2 counselling sessions:

  • before entering into the agreement
  • after the birth of the child
  • before seeking a parentage order.

Choosing a counsellor

Counsellors must:

  • be members of the Australian and New Zealand Infertility Counsellors Association (ANZICA) or
    • have other qualifications allowed by the law
  • be independent of businesses providing fertility services.

The surrogate and intended parent/s may share the same counsellors.

For a list of counsellors in Australia that specialise in surrogacy, go to the Fertility Society of Australia and New Zealand website.

Step 3. Formalise the arrangement

The surrogate and intended parent/s must agree on the terms of the surrogacy arrangement including reasonable costs to be paid to the surrogate.

They will need to put this agreement in writing and this will need to be legally certified.

Step 4. Conception and pregnancy

There are different ways a surrogate can become pregnant. This a choice to be considered between the surrogate and intended parent/s.

The surrogate has the right to manage her pregnancy and birth the same as any other pregnant person.

Read more about the different types of surrogacy.

Step 5. Register the birth

The birth parent must register the baby's birth with the Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages.

Step 6. Get counselling

The surrogate, their partner, if any, and any other birth parent must have counselling after the birth of the child.

They may use the same counsellor they used before the arrangement was made.

Step 7. Get a counselling report

Before applying for a parentage order, all parties to the arrangement and any other birth parent must be interviewed by a new counsellor.

The counsellor will:

  • review all counselling reports and certificates
  • give a summary report to the local court, the surrogate and intended parent/s.

Step 8. Apply for a parentage order

The parentage order transfers legal responsibility from the surrogate mother to the intended parent/s.

You can apply for a parentage order once the child is living with at least one of the intended parent/s and:

  • no earlier than 30 days after the birth and
  • no later than 180 days after the birth.

On the date the parentage order is made, the:

  • child becomes the child of the intended parent/s
  • intended parent/s become the parents of the child.

The application for a parentage order is made to the local court and must include a:

  • legally certified copy of the surrogacy arrangement
  • copy of the counselling report
  • legally certified copy of the birth certificate.

For the local court to make the parentage order:

  • the surrogacy arrangement must be non-commercial
  • counselling requirements must have been met
  • the child must be living with the intended parents
  • parties to the agreement and any birth parents must have given consent
  • residential requirement for the applicants must be met
  • it must be in the best interests of the child.

Arranging a surrogacy outside the NT

If you're considering an arrangement with a person outside of the NT, you must check the laws in that state or territory.

For more information, go to the relevant website:

More information

Find out more on the Fertility Society of Australia and New Zealand website.

If you are thinking about becoming a surrogate or intended parent, talk with your doctor or fertility clinic.

Speak with your legal advisor about what surrogacy arrangements will mean to you.