Discipline and children: birth to 12 years

Introduction

For many parents growing up, discipline often meant punishment - which could leave us feeling hurt, upset and unfairly treated.

However, discipline is not about punishment.

Discipline is warm but firm parenting that provides guidance. It’s better than punishment because it:

  • helps keep your child safe as they find out about the world
  • helps your child learn the values that are important to your family
  • helps your child learn to make good choices - because they want to do the right thing, not just to avoid being punished
  • encourages the behaviour you want
  • is less stressful for children
  • makes parenting more enjoyable
  • uses love instead of fear to teach life-long skills
  • strengthens the bond with your child
  • builds on your child’s strong desire to please you. 

Understanding your child’s behaviour

You may feel your child is being ‘naughty’ or playing up when in fact they:

  • are struggling with something
  • haven’t yet learnt what you expect
  • have feelings they don’t know how to deal with.

They may feel:

  • insecure - eg: because of a new baby in the family, problems at school, trying to make friends, scared by parents fighting or a family break up
  • ignored because you are always busy - angry attention is better than none
  • overwhelmed by changes
  • angry and frustrated
  • unfairly treated
  • they need more support or more independence than you give them - your parenting style may be too strict or too relaxed.

It’s important to understand what is causing your child’s behaviour so that you can deal with what’s really bothering them. 

Building positive behaviours and preventing difficult situations

If you help your child to learn self-discipline and to know what is expected of them, they may not need to act out or be naughty - and you will need to spend less time reacting to misbehaviour.

The following ideas can help. 

Help your child deal with feelings

Your child can have many different feelings in a short space of time.

For young children, their brain can’t yet stay calm when they have big feelings such as frustration, anger or disappointment - so they can feel overwhelmed and out of control.

If they don’t yet have the words to say how they feel, they can show their feelings in their behaviour.

This is a normal part of their development - it is not ‘bad behaviour’.

You can help a child of any age to manage their feelings by doing the following:

  • remain calm as you guide them through the situation
  • find out what your child is feeling by really listening and helping them talk about it - you might say:
    • ‘You seem very angry. Can you tell me what’s wrong?’   
    • ‘I think you must be hurting inside’
    • ‘Tell me if you need a hug’
  • help them to name and talk about their feelings - this can help them learn that all feelings are OK and that you will keep loving them, even when they’re upset. They also learn that feelings are not something to be avoided or ignored.

Connect with your child and build their trust

If your child feels controlled and forced to do what you want a lot of the time, it can make it hard to get them to cooperate with you. It can also affect the bond and trust you have with them.

You may need to reconnect with your child. It can help to:

  • spend time with them, playing and having fun
  • focus on their good behaviour - don’t just react to bad behaviour
  • show that you understand how they feel when they are upset
  • find positive ways to say things rather than using ‘No’ or ‘Don’t’ all the time - eg: rather than ‘Sit up straight’ or ‘Don’t slouch’ you might say ‘When you sit up straight in the chair your back grows nice and strong’
  • tell them what you like about them and how much you love them.

Avoid power struggles

Some children will do what you expect with very little stress - while others are very strong-willed and determined. It might seem they are stubborn, but strong-willed children just like to be involved, feel capable and do things for themselves.

It’s best to avoid power struggles and help your child to feel in control. When you feel a power struggle brewing it can help if you:

  • stay calm
  • don’t take their resistance personally - they’re just struggling with wanting to feel in control of their world
  • let them know you understand how they feel
  • try to see things from their point of view
  • find ways that you can both win - eg: say ‘We need to turn the TV off in five minutes - do you want to turn it off yourself, or would you like me to do it?’ You still get to decide what happens, but they get to decide how
  • use family routines and house rules - see Step 2 of the 7 Steps to Safety on the Department of Children and Families website.

Plan ahead

Think ahead about the needs of you and your child to help prevent a difficult situation - eg: your toddler might get bored, tired or hungry when you go shopping.

To stop them getting stressed and acting out you could:

  • plan to shop in short bursts when the shops aren’t busy and your toddler isn’t hungry or tired
  • let them help you in some way.

Teach children your values

Talk to your child about why you want them to do something, not just because you say so. They will learn what is important to your family - eg: doing things together, listening to each other and speaking with respect. 

Be a role model

Be a good role model by acting in ways you expect of your child.

They are likely to copy what you do and have a strong sense of justice and fairness. If they see you acting in ways that don’t match what you say, they might not do what you tell them.

Notice good behaviour

Make sure your child knows what is expected of them.

Notice the good things they do and praise and encourage them - it ‘rewards’ your child and builds on their desire to please you.

Don’t use treats too often as a reward - your child may learn to do things only if you promise them one.

Build responsibility

Help your child learn how to problem-solve and think about consequences - this builds confidence and skills and teaches them to be responsible and self-disciplined.

Let them learn by doing - they may not always choose what you like but as long as the choice is safe they will learn to trust themselves and to know that you trust them to make good choices.

Involve your child in making simple decisions to help them learn responsibility.

Encourage them when they make mistakes - this teaches your child how to deal with frustration and disappointment. Encourage them to have another go.

Be clear about rules and limits

Work out your family rules early with your child to avoid problems.

Rules need to be simple, consistent and predictable - they can be adapted as your child gets older and more independent.

It helps if you:

  • have a few simple rules about ‘how we do things in our family’ that are easy to follow - make sure you follow them yourself
  • all know what the rules mean - eg: ‘Be kind to your brother and share your toys with him’ is more meaningful than ‘Be kind to your brother’
  • choose your moment to talk about rules - when your child is upset or having strong feelings is not the best time
  • know what your child is able to do - if the task is too hard your child may fail
  • turn a ‘no-choice’ into a choice - eg: ‘We are leaving in five minutes - do you want to get in the car now or in five minutes?’
  • don’t give mixed messages - eg: don’t laugh at what your child is doing while saying ‘No’ - it will be confusing and can make them feel bad
  • explain your reasons if you have to make an exception to a rule
  • see Step 2 of the 7 Steps to Safety on the Department of Children and Families website.

Copyright

The information in this section was adapted from the Parent Easy Guide series © Parenting SA, Government of South Australia.


Types of discipline

There are many ways to discipline your child. 

Some of them can help your child to learn and build on the strong connection with you.  

Other methods might get your child to obey - but they don’t always help them to learn what is expected. They might also teach your child things you don’t want.  

It’s best to use strategies that suit your child’s age, development and temperament.

The information below may help you to understand different types of discipline and how they might affect your child.

It is important to choose what is best for your child - and your relationship with them.

Using consequences

Consequences for unacceptable behaviour can help your child learn.

They need to suit your child’s level of understanding and be understood by everyone.

If you involve your child in making the rules and deciding on any consequences for breaking them, they are more likely to cooperate.

When you apply consequences, make sure they are consistent, and:

  • happen as soon as possible after the misbehaviour
  • are safe for your child
  • fit the behaviour
  • help your child know how to do things better.

There are ‘natural consequences’ and ‘related or logical consequences’ as follows.

Natural consequences

Natural consequences are what you can expect to happen as a result of something your child does.

For example, if your child does not put away their toys when you ask, and then they can’t find their favourite toy, it is a natural consequence. The natural outcome - not being able to find a toy - is the teacher. You have not needed to do any teaching.

This can help your child to learn to take responsibility for what they do.

Related or logical consequences

You can use a related consequence to logically follow something your child does.

For example, when your child is running around the yard, you might ask them to keep away from an area so they don’t damage the plants. If they keep running in that area and knock over a potted plant, you could get them to clean up the mess. 

You might also get them to help you repot the plant.

When a consequence is related to the behaviour in this way, it can help your child see the connection between their actions and how they can make up for mistakes.

‘Time in’

‘Time in’ means removing your child from a situation where they are not coping well - but staying with them. You might sit close to your child to help them settle, or hold them gently until they are calm again.

By staying with your child you are helping them learn to manage strong feelings and difficult situations. Once they are calm you can talk with them about what happened and what they could do next time.

‘Time in’ sends a message to your child that you will not let them do anything to harm themselves or others. It also lets them know you will not let their feelings drive you away. It strengthens the relationship with your child. Go to Time in: guiding your child's behaviour.

‘Time out’

Time out is when a child is told to go somewhere (like a chair or facing a wall) alone for a number of minutes, often to think about what they have done and what they could do differently.  Often parents ignore their child’s cries or requests and don’t give them any attention during this time.

‘Time out’ is not a helpful form of discipline because:

  • it leaves your child to work things out without the support of an adult
  • it doesn’t work for a child under three - they cannot solve problems or manage their emotions very well on their own
  • your child might see it as punishment
  • your child might feel you have left them on their own because you don’t love them, or they are bad
  • your child can become frightened and distressed - which doesn’t help them learn
  • your child might obey you so that they can get connected with you again - but it doesn’t mean they have learned the lesson.

Losing a privilege

Some parents try to teach their child a lesson by taking away something important to them, - eg: banning TV when they’re late home. Losing a privilege might not work as well as other forms of discipline for the following reasons:

  • it’s not related to the child’s behaviour
  • the child might obey you because they don’t want to lose a privilege - but it doesn’t help them learn what to do
  • they might argue if they feel the consequence isn’t fair
  • it can lead to the child being sneaky to avoid losing something they want.

Physical punishment

Some parents believe smacking does not harm a child because it happened to them and they turned out OK.

However, research tells a different story - which has led to over 30 countries banning smacking. These studies tell us that children who are hit can:

  • change the behaviour for the moment, but will probably repeat it - they have only learned what not to do, rather than what is expected
  • learn not to do the action in the adult’s presence
  • learn to tell lies, cheat or blame others to avoid being hit
  • have strong feelings of anger, injustice and hurt and forget the reasons for the punishment
  • become withdrawn, anxious or depressed
  • feel shamed and humiliated
  • lose respect and trust
  • not learn the behaviour you want
  • be more aggressive to other children, rebel as teenagers or use violence as an adult
  • be more likely to bully others - smacking teaches children it’s OK to hit others when you’re bigger and stronger, when you’re angry, or to get what you want.

Smacking can also lead to more or harsher smacking if a parent thinks the first smack didn’t work, or accidentally injure a child if a stressed parent loses control.


Discipline and your baby

It is a waste of time and can be harmful to use any kind of discipline on your baby.

They cannot think ahead, understand reason or remember what you want.

Whatever your baby does, it is not to ‘get at you’ or be ‘naughty’.

Your baby needs you to give them a loving touch and gentle words to learn that the world around them is friendly and safe and that you will protect them.


Discipline and your toddler

Your toddler learns through touch and trying things out - this often means they make a mess or use things the wrong way.

They will like to do things their own way and may get frustrated because they don’t yet have the skills they need.

Your toddler will probably say 'no' a lot, and not yet understand consequences or know how to change their behaviour.

The more your toddler feels competent, in control and able to do things, the calmer they will be.

The following information can help:

  • be patient and praise your child as you teach and show them new skills
  • keep it simple - one new lesson at a time
  • avoid battles, particularly with eating and toilet training. 

Unless they’re ill, your child will usually eat what they need if you give them a choice of healthy foods. 

Don’t waste energy trying to make them eat if they don’t want to. Avoid a struggle by saying ‘You’ve had enough? OK, let’s get you down from your high chair’.

Try to distract your toddler from behaviour you don’t want  by giving them something else to do. You could say ‘Where’s that book you like?’ rather than ‘Don’t touch the TV’.

Read more about understanding your toddler or children and tantrums.


Discipline and your preschooler

Normally by three to four years your child:

  • can understand most of your instructions
  • can predict the results of many actions
  • will begin to share and play with others
  • is easily excited
  • will like to be in control and can be a bit bossy
  • will like to ‘show off’ and be silly
  • copies others
  • finds fun in being shocked and trying out new words, including swear words if they have heard them.

If your child has reached this age feeling that you love and approve of them, they will mostly want to do what pleases you.

If they reach this age feeling you are overpowering, demanding and not ‘on their side’, your child may stop trying to do the things you want, because they may feel they can never please you.

You can help your child by:

  • showing them what you want them to do
  • giving them choices
  • teaching them to think ahead - let them know in advance when a change is coming - eg: at the playground, say ‘We need to leave the playground in five minutes - which swing do you want to play on for the last five minutes?’

Discipline and your child aged 6-12 years

Primary school aged children understand much more about themselves, and about rules and limits. They start to see things from another’s point of view.

It can be helpful to do the following things:

  • talk with your child about a wide range of topics - listen to their views and be willing to discuss different opinions, rather than forcing your ideas on them
  • try to be in step with other parents of children the same age - if you are too far away from what most parents do around discipline, you may find it hard to get your child to cooperate.
  • teach them how to work out ways to solve problems - it’s an important step towards learning self-discipline
  • explain to them about adult behaviours and feelings, and why you react as you do.

When to seek help

If your child continually ‘misbehaves’ or has persistent behaviour that worries you, there may be some underlying cause that they need help with.

Talk with your doctor or a community nurse.

When to seek help for you

Sometimes stressed parents feel unable to cope with their child’s behaviour without getting angry and feeling they might lose control.

A brief ‘time-out’ for you in these moments can help you calm down - make sure your child is safe and they know you are nearby.

Be patient with yourself if you are also trying to change your parenting approaches - it can take time to learn new things.

If you feel overwhelmed, or easily get frustrated and angry, talk to someone who can help. Try your doctor or a community nurse.

More information

Find out more, including where you can get help to understand your child's behaviour, on the following pages: